Becoming Katie Butterfly

Whether we mean to or not, sometimes what we think is going to be helpful, is sometimes, well not. This is not meant to offend anyone, but a look into how helpfulness can be perceived by survivors. "I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or treat me like I'm so fragile that I'll break. If I was fragile I would have shattered a long time ago. What happened to me was unfortunate but it hasn't and will not break me. I can't live my life afraid of being triggered or upset because that is letting him win. I don't want people being afraid either. People may think they are helping  but honestly it just upsets me. Instead people can listen to me when I choose to talk about whatever and validating me and believing me.  I am working towards the best life possible with my husband. Recap: I'm not broken, fragile, damaged... None of those things." You are not broken, fragile or damaged either!  Love always,  Katie 

I have debated about whether to post this as a blog or not. But, I got so much good feedback on it, I decided yes - I would! Xo - Katie 6 years have gone by. I blocked what he had done out for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. My abuser's wife had even made me a special Tinkerbell cake as I LOVED Tinkerbell. Another thing he stole from me that night. I could never look at my Tinkerbell blanket the same. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend's husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. H...

You can't stop what's done to you, you can only survive. And somewhere in the process to forgive, in order to truly move forward. That is what I am trying  to do. God is helping me and my friends. The first helpful thing was being heard, validated. "I know that you were raped.  I also know that you survived and are taking back your life and your power. " Thanks for believing me. It's a hard thing to come forward, to say and being heard is EVERYTHING!  I can't take back what was done, I can only learn to move forward. Onward I go, Katie

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

Katie here. So this blog is, well, as the title says... A little bit of this and that. First off... Some days I feel like I'm a fake. Or that people think I'm stronger than I am because I put on the strong face. Truth is I'm afraid to trust someone, to tell them how I'm really feeling because I'm so tired of losing people. And nothing chases people away more that weakness, right? So, I guess if I can't trust people. I have to at least have some good self care things I can do. I do like to relax... Read books or watch movies. Lately I've discovered how much I love fruit smoothies. Another thing... I am so sick and tired of being depressed, anxious, all this mental crap is. Especially knowing it will never fully go away ever!  Also... I talked about this in therapy and she said this was pretty normal for survivors. Having dreams where you feel you are being abused again. I don't know what it's called, but I'm having a lot of those nightmares. I wok...

So, I worked this morning until noon... And then my fiancé and I took off for a nearby town. We got a room in a hotel, went to get some supper, came back and went swimming, and now we are just hanging in the room. Here's some pictures from the day. I'm truly happy.  Self care is so very important! Don't forget to make time for it!!   Joyfully, KT

Hi guys! It's Katie. I've been in a slump of depression ever since I ran into my rapist last week. But, I got a chance to see my therapist today and that really helped. I've been dealing with the guilt of not saying no, and was it really rape then. She asked me. "If you had said no, do you think he would have stopped." the answer is. No he would not have. Plain and simple. I've been reading and it turns out a lot of times survivors end up with an eating disorder. I already had one as a teenager and the stress of everything and trying to control SOMETHING in my life has led back to it. I'm trying to reclaim my life. Being healthy enough for day to day stuff, my relationship. Everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and he doesn't get to be apart of it. I was in a hole for awhile there, but I'm crawling out and am going to be bigger and stronger. All my love, Katie

Next week I am seeing Ingrid Michaelson for the first time. I am beyond excited! Her "Be Ok" has gotten me through some many dark days in this journey!! Less than a week and I will be seeing her live!  My love, Katie 

" When I was in my mid-teens, I was sexually assaulted. When I was in my mid-teens,  I was taught my sole purpose on this earth was to be of service to men, to be a sexual object, not a human being .   After being assaulted, everything I thought I knew about myself crumbled. I became an object, not a person . The deep seeded shame society taught me was mine to bear crippled and silenced me. I was taught that what happened to me was my fault. I walked the hallways at school with my head tilted to the floor and my books tightly wrapped around my chest. I didn’t have to look up to know everyone was whispering to each other about me as I walked by. “Did you hear, she cuts herself, what an attention whore”, “Did you know she was drinking the other day in class? She’s crazy”. Little did they know about the pain I was feeling inside, how every day I would wake up hoping it would be my last. After my assault, I felt so alone and the only way I could release my pain was to wage a war a...

I had a dream/nightmare last night. A pretty typical occurance for me. Last night I remember saying real confident and sincerely "you are not going to keep me silent anymore!"  I can feel myself getting stronger even in my dreams!  -Katie

Not for them, but for ourselves! 

" Here is my story of how I grew up in a home that was surrounded by domestic violence. Growing up was crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and he would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would get a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didn’t know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One Thanksgiving Day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother wok...

There. I said it. I wasn't going to write this, wasn't even sure what to say. But, to remain silent is what this disease wants. In my teens I "dabbled" with eating disorders, but it was never anything major. The past few months have been really hard on me, emotionally. Dealing with my abuse, dealing with becoming a young woman. I didn't want my body to change, become someone I had no idea who that was. And deep down inside, I wanted to be sick, to look gross, to show my rapist that I'm not anything he would "want" etc. That was crazy.  I need to be healthy. For my relationship, my job, and my life in general. I can't say I'm going to get better over night. But, I am going to try! With all my love, Katie

I was molested by my neighbor. It happened from 5th-7th grade. 3 years. I didn't know what he was doing to me was wrong or illegal. I thought it was okay since he was an adult. He never did anything to cause physical pain. He was gentle. Another reason why I didn't think it was wrong. Physically, I wasn't being put in pain, but mentally...I was. I was still scared though. I never said anything until one day I told my abuser's grandson who is 3 years younger than me. Months went by after me telling him then all of a sudden, the Monday of my Spring Break in 7th grade, a detective & social worker showed up at my house. I remember my mom coming to me crying saying that these people needed to talk to me privately. I wasn't in any trouble, just be honest. My abuser's grandson's parent were divorced so he was visiting his mom. He told his mom who contacted the police. My abuser was arrested that Monday. The detective had to come back a couple weeks later becaus...

"My name is Kiara Draines, I am now 23 years old, but my nightmares began 16 years ago. In the presence of my own home I was raped and molested by two people that I call family!  I had no idea if it was right or wrong so I never told anyone until one day , I was 17 years old and me an my mom got into a really big fight and I just blurted it out!! For years it haunted me! It turned me into a girl I no longer recognized. It made me do things that I later regretted, and bring hurt upon myself that didn't have to occur. But now I am older, and I am wiser, and I am ready to heal. So I am taking each step it takes for me to heal and for me to be able to lead other young girls, women, young men, and men to heal!"

With the end of sexual assault awareness month being today, we wanted to do something special. These are words, from others survivors or just people who care, FOR YOU!  -Katie and Britt. "It is not your fault and you are not alone. Keeping silent won't make it go away. You are so much stronger than you think. You survived your ordeal and you WILL make it through recovery. Just remember that there are people who are and want to help, part of the journey is helping to lift each other up, to help each other find our voice so we can finally face the world around us and say "no more"."          -NightxVision on tumblr  "You are worth the fight to overcome this. Healing is possible, as is leading a life of possibility, hope, and joy. Although it may not seem like it now, it's going to get better. You're going to get stronger, and you'll bloom into a glorious flower. In the words of Maya Angelou, like dust, YOU will rise."        -Nicole "...

Im definitely saying NO! To the new SVU. I'm working during it. But, I will not be watching the new episode. At least not for awhile. Just thinking about it, is upsetting me bad! I have to take care of me! Take gentle care, my friends! Katie

I used to put Taylor Swift's "Dear John" on repeat. Just to feel emotion, to be able to feel, express myself through her words. "Dear John, it see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think 19's too young...." On this trip, I was listening to Taylor, and I purposely skipped over it. I think I realized that I don't need her to express it for me anymore. I'm coming out and expressing it myself. I'm not ashamed of who knows. And, I feel my not wanting people to see me differently or call me mentally ill, was holding me back from really letting go. The truth is... Who cares if some people see me differently or make fun of my mental illness. Chances are they already saw me that way before they knew about it. And the people who matter, will still see me the way they do now.... Kind, caring, hard working, a survivor, etc. And that my friend, is all that matters. I am no longer ashamed. He should be ashamed, not me. Take gentle ca...

-Katie