NO MORE SILENCE

I decided that I would share my story!

Mariska Hargitay and the show Law and Order: SVU have helped me so much 

Open Letter to my attacker.

My hopes in writing this letter is to let go of the pain, get my feelings out and burn it. Saying NO MORE to letting him have any power over me.

What you did to me was WRONG WRONG WRONG! I was very, very sick. You KNEW that, yet you chose to take advantage of me anyway. You told me so many lies and I believed you. I really thought you were going to leave your wife to take care of me. I spent years hating myself for committing adultery. But, I know now that it was my illness and YOUR SICK NEED to use me to get what YOU wanted. I was a virgin, very naïve and did I mention SICK? But, you knew ALL of that! You DID every thing you could to get rid of Jeff, using ME to do it. You told me ANYTHING you thought would make me want you. You told me you could teach me about sex, how it was done right. You never asked if I wanted to, and me being sick and young did not even think to say yes or no. I honestly didn’t know. All you said was that “I was going to love it” and as you were taking my virginity I remember you talking about how big your junk was.

My body may have enjoyed it (as I hadn’t really experienced it before) but you took from me, what you shouldn’t have gotten… but you know what REALLY takes the top of this… You left me, after what you got, and I distinctly remember you telling me how messed I up I was and putting me down for having a mental illness… well, if you KNEW all that, why the hell did you even get involved with me…. I know why. Because you are a SICK, SICK bastard.

After all that happened, I was so low, so down. I hated myself SOOOO much that I downed a bunch of pills. I truly hated myself. I truly thought I DESERVED to die. Thankfully, I got scared and called for help. And the ONLY good thing that came out of it was I met the love of my life, who loved me for ME, and not all the mistakes I made.

As for you, you are DEAD to me. DEAD. I owe you nothing.  And if I DO happen to see you around town, you will just be like a fly on the wall. GIVING YOU NO MORE POWER. I deserve to be happy and not to remind myself of the bastard that you are!

I am doing so well in life, and really making things better, despite ALL you did! And I’m happy. I’m on my way to finding true happiness and it does not include you!

Goodbye

       I am done blaming myself. It was NOT my  fault. You knew 

better, I didn't. AND.

     I did NOT do that. 

             And now....

                     I want to help you find your voice too.

Take Gentle Care.

all my love,

Katie