Becoming Katie Butterfly

Hi guys! It's Katie. I've been in a slump of depression ever since I ran into my rapist last week. But, I got a chance to see my therapist today and that really helped. I've been dealing with the guilt of not saying no, and was it really rape then. She asked me. "If you had said no, do you think he would have stopped." the answer is. No he would not have. Plain and simple. I've been reading and it turns out a lot of times survivors end up with an eating disorder. I already had one as a teenager and the stress of everything and trying to control SOMETHING in my life has led back to it. I'm trying to reclaim my life. Being healthy enough for day to day stuff, my relationship. Everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and he doesn't get to be apart of it. I was in a hole for awhile there, but I'm crawling out and am going to be bigger and stronger. All my love, Katie

-Katie

" When I was in my mid-teens, I was sexually assaulted. When I was in my mid-teens,  I was taught my sole purpose on this earth was to be of service to men, to be a sexual object, not a human being .   After being assaulted, everything I thought I knew about myself crumbled. I became an object, not a person . The deep seeded shame society taught me was mine to bear crippled and silenced me. I was taught that what happened to me was my fault. I walked the hallways at school with my head tilted to the floor and my books tightly wrapped around my chest. I didn’t have to look up to know everyone was whispering to each other about me as I walked by. “Did you hear, she cuts herself, what an attention whore”, “Did you know she was drinking the other day in class? She’s crazy”. Little did they know about the pain I was feeling inside, how every day I would wake up hoping it would be my last. After my assault, I felt so alone and the only way I could release my pain was to wage a war a...

I had a dream/nightmare last night. A pretty typical occurance for me. Last night I remember saying real confident and sincerely "you are not going to keep me silent anymore!"  I can feel myself getting stronger even in my dreams!  -Katie

Not for them, but for ourselves! 

I was molested by my neighbor. It happened from 5th-7th grade. 3 years. I didn't know what he was doing to me was wrong or illegal. I thought it was okay since he was an adult. He never did anything to cause physical pain. He was gentle. Another reason why I didn't think it was wrong. Physically, I wasn't being put in pain, but mentally...I was. I was still scared though. I never said anything until one day I told my abuser's grandson who is 3 years younger than me. Months went by after me telling him then all of a sudden, the Monday of my Spring Break in 7th grade, a detective & social worker showed up at my house. I remember my mom coming to me crying saying that these people needed to talk to me privately. I wasn't in any trouble, just be honest. My abuser's grandson's parent were divorced so he was visiting his mom. He told his mom who contacted the police. My abuser was arrested that Monday. The detective had to come back a couple weeks later becaus...

"My name is Kiara Draines, I am now 23 years old, but my nightmares began 16 years ago. In the presence of my own home I was raped and molested by two people that I call family!  I had no idea if it was right or wrong so I never told anyone until one day , I was 17 years old and me an my mom got into a really big fight and I just blurted it out!! For years it haunted me! It turned me into a girl I no longer recognized. It made me do things that I later regretted, and bring hurt upon myself that didn't have to occur. But now I am older, and I am wiser, and I am ready to heal. So I am taking each step it takes for me to heal and for me to be able to lead other young girls, women, young men, and men to heal!"

We can heal together! -Katie

Here's a video my friend Stephanie put together. Please check it out!!! http://youtu.be/jgAU6eiSD1w - Katie

Im definitely saying NO! To the new SVU. I'm working during it. But, I will not be watching the new episode. At least not for awhile. Just thinking about it, is upsetting me bad! I have to take care of me! Take gentle care, my friends! Katie

I used to put Taylor Swift's "Dear John" on repeat. Just to feel emotion, to be able to feel, express myself through her words. "Dear John, it see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think 19's too young...." On this trip, I was listening to Taylor, and I purposely skipped over it. I think I realized that I don't need her to express it for me anymore. I'm coming out and expressing it myself. I'm not ashamed of who knows. And, I feel my not wanting people to see me differently or call me mentally ill, was holding me back from really letting go. The truth is... Who cares if some people see me differently or make fun of my mental illness. Chances are they already saw me that way before they knew about it. And the people who matter, will still see me the way they do now.... Kind, caring, hard working, a survivor, etc. And that my friend, is all that matters. I am no longer ashamed. He should be ashamed, not me. Take gentle ca...

-Katie

-Katie.

-Katie.

I'm thinking back on things. I find when this happens, it usually best to go to a distracting place. Maybe a book or a quick nap. Maybe both. What do you do to distract yourself? -Katie

-Katie.

SVU in it's own way, helped me begin my recovery, but now it's starting to upset it. Mainly, the Benson saga. It's been so hard seeing her go through everything and just been triggering. I'm not sure if I am going to watch the next few. I'm just not sure if it's healthy for me. It's not life or death and I can always catch up later. I do have a good friend who could tell me if I would upset me too much.... So, right now I an debating this break or not.  Guess we will see! Stay strong! Katie