Becoming Katie Butterfly

"To my abuser: The time has come to say goodbye. I have held onto the pain and hurt for far too long now. I've let the memories of what you did to me so long ago take a toll on my mental, physical and sexual health. But, now it's time to let it go and move forward. You see, I was such an ugly caterpillar for so long after what happened and I finally started to come out of my dark cocoon and get my wings. But, something is holding me back from truly becoming that Butterfly. It's me! Holding onto the ugly past and giving you the power I swore I'd never do again. And I refuse to live in the past anymore. What happened to me was horrible and should never have happened, but it did and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do now take the lessons and apply it to my life now and say "goodbye past, hello lovely present and future." -BecomingKatieButterfly

Dear Katie Bug, You are such an incredibly person. So kind and brave. You have been through a lot but you haven't let that stop you from fighting and keep moving forward. 10 years ago you were barely surviving high school. You were depressed and suicidal all the time. But some how you still decided to hang in there and fight. 6-7 years ago, you were really sick, barely functioning, not yourself at all. And yes, J took advantage of you, and that's just what it is. You were in no position to consent, or to even know what you wanted. And he was aware of that. Even after all that, you still decided to keep fighting and you did what you had to do to keep on living and to start thriving in life. Getting stable, letting unconditional love into your life, and a job you put everything into. Yes, 2 years ago, what J did to you all came back and you have had to be so brave to face these things and to heal once and for all. And, I can't believe all the progress you have mad...

When I first made this art therapy piece back in February or March, I truly believed that 2015 was finally my year, but this tragedy and sorrow struck. I found out Jeff and I would not be able to legally marry as we had planned (May 6), and then my grandma died unexpectedly in April and I just felt like this was the worst year of my life. But, then I was offered a new position at work (which I absolutely love) and Jeff and I were married in the eyes of God in front of our family and friends on July 25. My year totally did a 180 and I truly believe that yes, indeed, even after everything that went wrong, that this is my year. I think sometimes bad things happen, so we can truly appreciate the good and not take everything for granted. Everything happens for a reason, in it's own time and way, and I am so incredibly blessed.  2015 is my year!  Katie Bug  

I've been thinking about what to blog about next. Lately, my nightmares have been back (probably brought on by the stress of losing my grandma) particularly the ones about my abuser's ex's family. With my latest one, I think I finally came to a realization. Even if I told them what he did to me....Whether they believe me or not...All the things I'm hoping to get from it, is not going to change anything. It won't change what happened to me and it won't change me from knowing the truth. And it probably won't change what they already believe or think happened. So maybe I just need to not care. Because, guess what? I know the truth. I know what happened and I believe myself. What everyone else thinks really doesn't matter. What I believe and know is all that matters! Fearlessly, Katie Ps. I'm Rocking that smile!!

So, I have been reading self help books on PTSD and I found this in a book I was reading today and I think it could help others as well, so I decided to type it up and blog about it. It is in the book "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook" by Glenn R. Schiraldi Ph.D Let's all strive to be thrivers!! Katie Victim Helpless Out of Control Angry Hoping to be rescued Perception of lacking choices Self-pity Passive Payoff (secondary gains) persuade person to remain in victim role Identity as a victim In pain, numb, defeated Avoidance of feelings “I’m still in the trauma” Controlled by memories Controlled by depression, anxiety, hatred, bitterness, revenge, physical complaints Has not learned from the experience, likely to repeat trauma, victimization, shame, self-dislike Self destructive behaviors. Hiding Feeling Fragile, vulnerable, defenseless Sense of no future, preoccup...

Last week I sent an e-mail to Susie McEntire telling her my story, and today she responded. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to share it as it's very personal, but then I thought it could help others too. Her words are bold. Katie, thank you for sharing your blog. See comments below:    Dear Susie, I am writing to you because you inspire me and I read somewhere that you  are a survivor too. I run a blog with another survivor friend of mine. I  just wanted to share something I wrote recently. I hope this gets to you and  if it does, thanks for reading it! "I go through periods of times where I don't know if what happened to me  was rape, assault, or my fault because the way the law is and because  victims want to place blame on themselves.   **these things are confusing to start with. Trying to fit a very dynamic  real life event into a "term" or category can be hard. However, it is not  necessary to categorize it from your hear...