Goodbye Past, Hello Present

"To my abuser: The time has come to say goodbye. I have held onto the pain and hurt for far too long now. I've let the memories of what you did to me so long ago take a toll on my mental, physical and sexual health. But, now it's time to let it go and move forward. You see, I was such an ugly caterpillar for so long after what happened and I finally started to come out of my dark cocoon and get my wings. But, something is holding me back from truly becoming that Butterfly. It's me! Holding onto the ugly past and giving you the power I swore I'd never do again. And I refuse to live in the past anymore. What happened to me was horrible and should never have happened, but it did and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do now take the lessons and apply it to my life now and say "goodbye past, hello lovely present and future."

-BecomingKatieButterfly

Comments

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th

Christmas Blessings

Lame title. But, how many blog posts can I call "Merry and Bright"?! What can I say? Our first Christmas together, of course didn't go as perfect and planned out as I tried to make it, but, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I was surrounded by amazing family, friends and of course my husband. This was our first official Christmas together and Christmas Day was our 5-month anniversary. 5 months ago I said I do, and I'll keep on saying it. And now with the new year fast approaching I know what my goals for 2016 and beyond are. It's something I will have to work on and slowly progress with. But, I know now I don't have to do it alone, I have my wonderful and sweet husband to work with. And I can't think of anything better. This year didn't go anywhere close to as planned, it showed me some of my hardest days, it showed me some of the best. And everything in between. This is a journey I'm on, to truly being a new Creation in Christ and becoming Kati

I'm not who I was.

Well, I need to write this. The memories, the guilt, the self-blame - all of that is all flooding back. Just down pouring on me. I can't let this get to me. I have a job interview tomorrow and I gotta be the best person I can be. But - it's all coming back, because I'm thinking about next weekend when I go to our yearly church camp. I will probably run into my runner-up nightmare, the people I really have the most nightmares about. His ex-family. I can't handle the glares and the judgemental looks. They don't know what really happened and frankly I don't think they care. I just want to scream "you don't know what happened. How can you be judging me. You claim to be these high and mighty Christians, yet you treat people like crap" I sinned yes, I was used, yes, and I was made to do something I really didn't want to do. But, even then... No sin is greater than the other in God's eyes. I just have to hold my head up high and not be ashamed. I

Becoming Katie Butterfly

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