Becoming Katie Butterfly

I have debated about whether to post this as a blog or not. But, I got so much good feedback on it, I decided yes - I would! Xo - Katie 6 years have gone by. I blocked what he had done out for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. My abuser's wife had even made me a special Tinkerbell cake as I LOVED Tinkerbell. Another thing he stole from me that night. I could never look at my Tinkerbell blanket the same. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend's husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. H...

Thank you Sam for being brave and for sharing your experiences with mental illness! You are incredibly awesome! Katie and Britt ************************** Mental Illness is a huge topic that I don't feel like is addressed properly or it's misconceived by the media, and posers. Since I was little I've battled and still pull through my mental disorders to this day. I struggle with Anxiety, Depression, and Body/Confidence issues. Everyday is a fighting battle, some take over more than others. It doesn't help either, when you have the public all around you, staring, judging, and bullying you or people that have the same issues as you do. I've been severely bullied throughout my life. I've had people tell me that they'll be there for me, and help me through my darkest times. Come to find out that not many people keep their promises. I've had so many people walk out of my life & say that they don't care about me anymore, and abandon me, and everything ...

You know what really ticks me off?  When society only bothers to talk about mental illness and how important it is to talk about is when someone famous is brought to the world's attention. What about the rest of us? Don't we matter? Well, I guess I will have to be our voice.  Yes, you sitting at home because you have no where else to go, Yes, you the tired mom at home trying to manage everything AND get outta bed. Yes, you the one at your job with you smile on your face and no one knows how each day is a struggle to get up. You all matter!  I'm one of the ones that used to sit at home without anything to live for. Lived a good part of my part living in and out of hospitals. Periods of me not taking my meds. Yes, my name is Katie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What it is:  Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships  characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization a...

I was reading some of my old journals. I can only read so much at a time without getting depressed or triggered. The intense emotions of BPD and daily wanting to kill myself.... I'm so glad I'm not in that place now... But, at the same time I wish I could do something to help those that have that intense desire to off themselves. To tell them, yes, it does get better. It took me like 10 years but it did happen.  Don't listen to the voices in your head. People care. You are worth it. Killing yourself is not the answer. If you don't stick around you will never see just how amazing life is. And just what amazing things you are capable of! Just keep swimming, ok? Katie

Katie here. So this blog is, well, as the title says... A little bit of this and that. First off... Some days I feel like I'm a fake. Or that people think I'm stronger than I am because I put on the strong face. Truth is I'm afraid to trust someone, to tell them how I'm really feeling because I'm so tired of losing people. And nothing chases people away more that weakness, right? So, I guess if I can't trust people. I have to at least have some good self care things I can do. I do like to relax... Read books or watch movies. Lately I've discovered how much I love fruit smoothies. Another thing... I am so sick and tired of being depressed, anxious, all this mental crap is. Especially knowing it will never fully go away ever!  Also... I talked about this in therapy and she said this was pretty normal for survivors. Having dreams where you feel you are being abused again. I don't know what it's called, but I'm having a lot of those nightmares. I wok...

Not sure what's going on with me.... Just in a mental mind funk and not sure how to get out. I guess my mental illness will always be there! Gonna take some gentle care! I think I just need some self care. I've just been so busy, I haven't had time for me. All my love.... Katie