I have debated about whether to post this as a blog or not. But, I got so much good feedback on it, I decided yes - I would!
Xo - Katie
6 years have gone by. I blocked what he had done out for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. My abuser's wife had even made me a special Tinkerbell cake as I LOVED Tinkerbell. Another thing he stole from me that night. I could never look at my Tinkerbell blanket the same. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend's husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. He did everything he could to get my neighbor out of my life. He would spend the night in my bedroom on an air mattress the first few times. And then he sweet talked his way into my bed. And he sweet talked his way inside me. Into me having sex with him. I don't remember exactly what he said. It could have been something like "I'm going to show you how a real man does it" (and he loved to brag about how "big" he was. To this day. It just disgusts me.) "You are going to like this" "Sex will get rid of your headache" and he never said so but he implied that he was protecting me from my neighbor so I needed to thank him. He never said it in those words but that's what he did.
Some nights his wife would invite me over to spend the night or just hang out. I'd spend time with his wife and kids and just hang out. I remember when his wife went to work one morning, he wanted to "do me" in their bed. I must have said no and he didn't press it, because all I remember is he implied he wanted that, but don't actually remember it happening.
He convinced me he loved me. That he could save me, be my protecter. He complained about his wife (and she was pregnant with their third child. He convinced me he was going to leave her and marry me. I knew that was wrong, but I just needed someone to care and protect me.
I don't remember exactly when. But, in the end he basically called me crazy and put me down for having a mental illness.
It was soon after that. That I did my last, but serious suicide attempt.
I hated myself, who I had become. That I had slept with my friend's husband (though now I know it was really rape) and what a deadbeat loser I was. Other factored played into it. And I knew it was time to exit the world and that no one would miss me. I downed probably close to a bottle of Tylenol PM, crying the whole time. I must have gotten scared and had second thoughts. Maybe God reached out to me. Because I called myself an ambulance.
The EMT's came to take me away and all my neighbors' gathered in one apartment to gawk at then finally taking the crazy person away.
I went to the ER. They pumped my stomach. Stuck a tube right down my throat and just to be safe, made me drink the gosh-awful charcoal to absorb all the poison in my system
After all that, my neighbor came to the ER. He saw the EMT's take me away and he never felt so sick in all his life. Despite the temporary restraining order my abuser convinced me to get on him, despite everything. He came to see me. To tell me that nothing was worth me dying over.
He stayed with me until I was taken to the psych ward. And he came and visited me every day until I returned home.
We realized we loved each other and didn't want to live a day without one another. We knew we were going to spend the rest of my life together.
He used to hold my hand and make me feel safe until I fell asleep. But he never made me do anything I didn't want to.
I decided that summer, the summer I was turned 21. A few months after my rape or rapes that it was time to get my life together and be someone worth loving. I finally quit cutting, blocked everything out that had to do with him or pain, or my old life. Only moving forward. It was shortly after that, that I received my temporary job trial at the library which ended up becoming permanent. I put everything into becoming a new person. In hindsight, it was probably triggered or set off by the trauma I went through. I had to do anything and everything I could do to forget. Yes, I'd see him. He even showed up at the apartment once or twice. But, I pretended like we were friends and it was normal. I do remember pretending, pretending, pretending. Anything to keep that out of my mind, and my new happy life.
It caught up with me a few years later. I could no longer deny what happened, and that something had to have happened to cause me this pain and trauma.
In therapy I remember talking about John and what he did and going "it's almost like he raped me." And after that it was like "oh my gosh. He did"
So, for the past two years I have been going through what I should have right after it happened.
It happened almost 6 years ago, but feels like it was not long ago.
Now, I'm on the long journey and healing. To finding myself and to forgiving myself. There is no going back, only forward!
But, as that 6 years is coming up from this Month until May, I thought it needed to be talked about.
And strangely enough all the days in April are the same as that year. My birthday was on a Monday night. Oh yep - it is again this year,
I have to ground myself and make sure I kept telling myself that that was then, this is now and things are completely different.
I'm sure the next few months will be difficult. But, if I can survive the rape and everything else, I can survive a few memories.
I hope to do meaningful things during this time. Or just talk openly about what happened or whatever comes to my mind. Thanks for having ears for my jumbled mind.
That's all I got for now.
Some nights his wife would invite me over to spend the night or just hang out. I'd spend time with his wife and kids and just hang out. I remember when his wife went to work one morning, he wanted to "do me" in their bed. I must have said no and he didn't press it, because all I remember is he implied he wanted that, but don't actually remember it happening.
He convinced me he loved me. That he could save me, be my protecter. He complained about his wife (and she was pregnant with their third child. He convinced me he was going to leave her and marry me. I knew that was wrong, but I just needed someone to care and protect me.
I don't remember exactly when. But, in the end he basically called me crazy and put me down for having a mental illness.
It was soon after that. That I did my last, but serious suicide attempt.
I hated myself, who I had become. That I had slept with my friend's husband (though now I know it was really rape) and what a deadbeat loser I was. Other factored played into it. And I knew it was time to exit the world and that no one would miss me. I downed probably close to a bottle of Tylenol PM, crying the whole time. I must have gotten scared and had second thoughts. Maybe God reached out to me. Because I called myself an ambulance.
The EMT's came to take me away and all my neighbors' gathered in one apartment to gawk at then finally taking the crazy person away.
I went to the ER. They pumped my stomach. Stuck a tube right down my throat and just to be safe, made me drink the gosh-awful charcoal to absorb all the poison in my system
After all that, my neighbor came to the ER. He saw the EMT's take me away and he never felt so sick in all his life. Despite the temporary restraining order my abuser convinced me to get on him, despite everything. He came to see me. To tell me that nothing was worth me dying over.
He stayed with me until I was taken to the psych ward. And he came and visited me every day until I returned home.
We realized we loved each other and didn't want to live a day without one another. We knew we were going to spend the rest of my life together.
He used to hold my hand and make me feel safe until I fell asleep. But he never made me do anything I didn't want to.
I decided that summer, the summer I was turned 21. A few months after my rape or rapes that it was time to get my life together and be someone worth loving. I finally quit cutting, blocked everything out that had to do with him or pain, or my old life. Only moving forward. It was shortly after that, that I received my temporary job trial at the library which ended up becoming permanent. I put everything into becoming a new person. In hindsight, it was probably triggered or set off by the trauma I went through. I had to do anything and everything I could do to forget. Yes, I'd see him. He even showed up at the apartment once or twice. But, I pretended like we were friends and it was normal. I do remember pretending, pretending, pretending. Anything to keep that out of my mind, and my new happy life.
It caught up with me a few years later. I could no longer deny what happened, and that something had to have happened to cause me this pain and trauma.
In therapy I remember talking about John and what he did and going "it's almost like he raped me." And after that it was like "oh my gosh. He did"
So, for the past two years I have been going through what I should have right after it happened.
It happened almost 6 years ago, but feels like it was not long ago.
Now, I'm on the long journey and healing. To finding myself and to forgiving myself. There is no going back, only forward!
But, as that 6 years is coming up from this Month until May, I thought it needed to be talked about.
And strangely enough all the days in April are the same as that year. My birthday was on a Monday night. Oh yep - it is again this year,
I have to ground myself and make sure I kept telling myself that that was then, this is now and things are completely different.
I'm sure the next few months will be difficult. But, if I can survive the rape and everything else, I can survive a few memories.
I hope to do meaningful things during this time. Or just talk openly about what happened or whatever comes to my mind. Thanks for having ears for my jumbled mind.
That's all I got for now.
Comments
Post a Comment