Becoming Katie Butterfly

So, I felt the need to write this post because today one of my Facebook friends made the comment on this picture  That it was provocative. This upset me a great deal as I'm a survivor and learning it doesn't matter what we wear, that we still aren't asking for it. And this picture. Please tell me how it was provocative? The rape culture and how girls "should not" dress is very much real. And it's bullshit. How about guys not rape. And use it as an excuse to why it was ok! As for this friend who made the comment. This was not the first time I felt she was interfering with my recovery. So, I removed and blocked her.! Being apart of my life is a privilege, and if you can't be nice or supportive of me, I reserve the right to take away that privilege. I'm not a bad person, I'm sure she isn't either, but I have to protect me and my recovery. Guys, remember that you are never asking for it! NO MORE! -Katie

My friend sent this to me and now I'm sending it to you!  -Katie 

So today, another song, one -he- claimed to be our song came on the radio. First instinct is to say "I hate this song!" And turn it off.... Well, I was starting to do that when I made ANOTHER choice to not let him win. I turned the song, and even though I don't particularly like that song anymore anyway, I want it to be on my own terms. Today I chose fearlessness in regards to a song. Today, I won! -Katie

-Katie

" When I was in my mid-teens, I was sexually assaulted. When I was in my mid-teens,  I was taught my sole purpose on this earth was to be of service to men, to be a sexual object, not a human being .   After being assaulted, everything I thought I knew about myself crumbled. I became an object, not a person . The deep seeded shame society taught me was mine to bear crippled and silenced me. I was taught that what happened to me was my fault. I walked the hallways at school with my head tilted to the floor and my books tightly wrapped around my chest. I didn’t have to look up to know everyone was whispering to each other about me as I walked by. “Did you hear, she cuts herself, what an attention whore”, “Did you know she was drinking the other day in class? She’s crazy”. Little did they know about the pain I was feeling inside, how every day I would wake up hoping it would be my last. After my assault, I felt so alone and the only way I could release my pain was to wage a war again

I had a dream/nightmare last night. A pretty typical occurance for me. Last night I remember saying real confident and sincerely "you are not going to keep me silent anymore!"  I can feel myself getting stronger even in my dreams!  -Katie

Not for them, but for ourselves! 

" Here is my story of how I grew up in a home that was surrounded by domestic violence. Growing up was crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and he would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would get a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didn’t know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One Thanksgiving Day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother wok

There. I said it. I wasn't going to write this, wasn't even sure what to say. But, to remain silent is what this disease wants. In my teens I "dabbled" with eating disorders, but it was never anything major. The past few months have been really hard on me, emotionally. Dealing with my abuse, dealing with becoming a young woman. I didn't want my body to change, become someone I had no idea who that was. And deep down inside, I wanted to be sick, to look gross, to show my rapist that I'm not anything he would "want" etc. That was crazy.  I need to be healthy. For my relationship, my job, and my life in general. I can't say I'm going to get better over night. But, I am going to try! With all my love, Katie

I was molested by my neighbor. It happened from 5th-7th grade. 3 years. I didn't know what he was doing to me was wrong or illegal. I thought it was okay since he was an adult. He never did anything to cause physical pain. He was gentle. Another reason why I didn't think it was wrong. Physically, I wasn't being put in pain, but mentally...I was. I was still scared though. I never said anything until one day I told my abuser's grandson who is 3 years younger than me. Months went by after me telling him then all of a sudden, the Monday of my Spring Break in 7th grade, a detective & social worker showed up at my house. I remember my mom coming to me crying saying that these people needed to talk to me privately. I wasn't in any trouble, just be honest. My abuser's grandson's parent were divorced so he was visiting his mom. He told his mom who contacted the police. My abuser was arrested that Monday. The detective had to come back a couple weeks later becaus

I FINALLY ordered my Fearlessness necklace! I cannot wait to get it. I may never take it off!!! :)

I've realized that lately a lot of my stress can be avoided if I stop focusing and dwelling on the negative of everything and seeing the worst in everything and everybody. I've seen to have fallen into a rut, and I think in order to get out, I need to be positive, focus on the positive and keep positive company. All things I know but need to apply to my life again. I have a wedding to plan with the love of my life and beyond that, not much is all that important. I'm going to try to be positive and be thankful for all the good things in my life. How about you? Do you ever fall into this kind of rut? How do you get yourself out? All my love - Katie

"My name is Kiara Draines, I am now 23 years old, but my nightmares began 16 years ago. In the presence of my own home I was raped and molested by two people that I call family!  I had no idea if it was right or wrong so I never told anyone until one day , I was 17 years old and me an my mom got into a really big fight and I just blurted it out!! For years it haunted me! It turned me into a girl I no longer recognized. It made me do things that I later regretted, and bring hurt upon myself that didn't have to occur. But now I am older, and I am wiser, and I am ready to heal. So I am taking each step it takes for me to heal and for me to be able to lead other young girls, women, young men, and men to heal!"

It seems like every time things are finally going good & you're happy, something has to happen to ruin that. & it's not just one thing, it's a few different things. When it rains it pours I guess. You think you're healing & getting better & things are okay, but no. Everything comes crashing down & you're back where you were before. You try to have faith & put it in God's hands, but that's easier said than done. You're just left there wondering where it all went wrong so quick. ~Britt.

So, right now. I am going through a panic. I'm mostly feeling anger. HE should be the one that nervous, embarrassed, ashamed. NOT ME!   My on-call therapist suggested I write about how things have changed and how I'm not the same person or in that same situation. So here's goes.  1. I'm not "sick" I'm on meds that work and taking them. 2. I'm not 21 anymore. I've grown up... Matured.  3. I'm not as naive. 4. I'm just a different Katie. That's a start! How about you? How can you distract yourself? Xoxo. Katie

My beautiful baby, Bunny! He has helped me through many things. My cat actually has anxiety too. I always joke that we are co-defendant. But, seriously. How cute is he?! 

We can heal together! -Katie

I've been afraid to share my whole story, beyond my brief letter to my attacker. But, seeing people come forward to tell theirs has inspired me to be brave too. "Katie's Story I was 21. Just barely 21. Before I get into it. Let me just say I’ve had depression, anxiety and a personality disorder since I was 14. At this time, it was the worst, I was not taking my meds. I was in and out of hospitals and just not functioning. Anyone who knows about or deals with Borderline Personality Disorder or other mental illnesses know how that goes.
 May I also add that to this point I was, well a technical virgin. I was raised in a very reserved, Christian family. And like many others, despite my illness, I was going to remain a virgin til marriage. Well, some time after I moved out on my own, I met my next door neighbor. He was several years older, but we became friends. He’d take me places, and we’d hang out and watch movies. Well, eventually we started to fool around. I was nervous,

" The youngest memory I have of my life is when my Grandmother and her husband was getting a divorce and he came after her with a shovel threatening to kill her, I was three years old. At such a young age, I kind of had an idea how some men were; my biological father seem to get off on the idea of somebody hurting and I was one of them...he would trip me and make me fall, push the swing so high that it would come undone, and let go of the wagon on top of a hill. It's amazing that I even survived my childhood. Not only did he enjoy seeing someone go through pain but he also got off on putting fear in my life...when I was little, apparently I was hungry and I tried to eat a plant, so to keep me from doing it again, he told me that if I got near any more plants, that they would come back and strangle me in my sleep; now I was only four at the time, so I believed him. Well if I did anything wrong, he would put me in the truck, with the windows down, riding through the woods...now

Another cause dear to my heart! I have Borderline Personality disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD. Etc. I've been struggling with it since I was 14 - over 10 years ago. I'm in remission now. On medication that helps, and doing things to care for me. Recovery is possible. I'm proof of it! Katie

"It all started when I was in high school. I went to a very large high school and with me never being a very out-going person, I felt pressured to belong to a clique or to stand out in some way. I did well in school but was never very popular. Lots of girls end up having their first boyfriend and/or first kiss in high school and never of those things were happening for me, but I wanted it to. I was always jealous of the girls I saw walking through the halls with their boyfriends, making out with their boyfriends before and after every class, or seeing their boyfriends give them presents on their birthday or Valentine's Day or even just seeing girls getting attention from the jocks and all the other popular guys. I wanted a guy to pay attention to me and make me feel special for once, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was doing wrong. Was I unattractive? Was I not smart enough? Was I in the wrong classes? Did people think I was stuck-up because I didn'