Becoming Katie Butterfly

My friend Jess is always getting me excited about things that excite me, especially this thing called life. And I've been trying to figure out what to blog about... So here it is.... 😊 Tomorrow I've been married to my best friend for two months. THAT EXCITES ME! Going to the Porcupine Mountains... Camping and spending valuable time with family. THAT EXCITES ME! Doing my different art projects. THAT EXCITES ME! Realizing I'm a beautiful Butterfly. THAT REALLY EXCITES ME! My job at the library REALLY EXCITES ME! My fearless sisters and friends/family. They really excite me! Life in general really excites me! How about you.... What REALLY EXCITES YOU? Love and hugs Katie Butterfly

Whether we mean to or not, sometimes what we think is going to be helpful, is sometimes, well not. This is not meant to offend anyone, but a look into how helpfulness can be perceived by survivors. "I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or treat me like I'm so fragile that I'll break. If I was fragile I would have shattered a long time ago. What happened to me was unfortunate but it hasn't and will not break me. I can't live my life afraid of being triggered or upset because that is letting him win. I don't want people being afraid either. People may think they are helping  but honestly it just upsets me. Instead people can listen to me when I choose to talk about whatever and validating me and believing me.  I am working towards the best life possible with my husband. Recap: I'm not broken, fragile, damaged... None of those things." You are not broken, fragile or damaged either!  Love always,  Katie 

This is Jessica's story. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are so brave and fearless!!    *********************************************** When Katie asked me to share my story on her blog I was elated. I had shared parts of my story a few months prior on my own blog ( girlwithamission.org ) so I was ready to jump right in and share even more of myself with you. I had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up with parents who gave unconditional love, a younger brother and sister who copied everything I did (it was annoying at the time- but they're my best friends now!), played sports and had a few friends. When I was about 10 years old until I was 12 I was sexually abused by my neighbor. He was about 4 years older than me, and he was cute. Of course I had a crush on him. He was the older boy next door. He also had 2 older brothers and my brother and I would play basketball with them all the time. They were older than us, but they let us play with them. We had fun. One day m...

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD,  my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this?  My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it.  And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Hi guys! It's Katie. I've been in a slump of depression ever since I ran into my rapist last week. But, I got a chance to see my therapist today and that really helped. I've been dealing with the guilt of not saying no, and was it really rape then. She asked me. "If you had said no, do you think he would have stopped." the answer is. No he would not have. Plain and simple. I've been reading and it turns out a lot of times survivors end up with an eating disorder. I already had one as a teenager and the stress of everything and trying to control SOMETHING in my life has led back to it. I'm trying to reclaim my life. Being healthy enough for day to day stuff, my relationship. Everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and he doesn't get to be apart of it. I was in a hole for awhile there, but I'm crawling out and am going to be bigger and stronger. All my love, Katie

I know I can use these right now and thought you could too! KEEP FIGHTING! Katie

AND I WAS OK! I ran into my abuser the other day. I didn't acknowledge him. I will admit it brought up painful feelings, but I'm okay. I'm no longer a victim. I'm a survivor. To my abuser and my stalker, you no longer have control of me. I am taking my life back! It's my life and I love it!!! It was a very empowering but scary experience! STAY FEARLESS! All my love.... Katie

So, I felt the need to write this post because today one of my Facebook friends made the comment on this picture  That it was provocative. This upset me a great deal as I'm a survivor and learning it doesn't matter what we wear, that we still aren't asking for it. And this picture. Please tell me how it was provocative? The rape culture and how girls "should not" dress is very much real. And it's bullshit. How about guys not rape. And use it as an excuse to why it was ok! As for this friend who made the comment. This was not the first time I felt she was interfering with my recovery. So, I removed and blocked her.! Being apart of my life is a privilege, and if you can't be nice or supportive of me, I reserve the right to take away that privilege. I'm not a bad person, I'm sure she isn't either, but I have to protect me and my recovery. Guys, remember that you are never asking for it! NO MORE! -Katie

So today, another song, one -he- claimed to be our song came on the radio. First instinct is to say "I hate this song!" And turn it off.... Well, I was starting to do that when I made ANOTHER choice to not let him win. I turned the song, and even though I don't particularly like that song anymore anyway, I want it to be on my own terms. Today I chose fearlessness in regards to a song. Today, I won! -Katie

" When I was in my mid-teens, I was sexually assaulted. When I was in my mid-teens,  I was taught my sole purpose on this earth was to be of service to men, to be a sexual object, not a human being .   After being assaulted, everything I thought I knew about myself crumbled. I became an object, not a person . The deep seeded shame society taught me was mine to bear crippled and silenced me. I was taught that what happened to me was my fault. I walked the hallways at school with my head tilted to the floor and my books tightly wrapped around my chest. I didn’t have to look up to know everyone was whispering to each other about me as I walked by. “Did you hear, she cuts herself, what an attention whore”, “Did you know she was drinking the other day in class? She’s crazy”. Little did they know about the pain I was feeling inside, how every day I would wake up hoping it would be my last. After my assault, I felt so alone and the only way I could release my pain was to wage a war a...

I had a dream/nightmare last night. A pretty typical occurance for me. Last night I remember saying real confident and sincerely "you are not going to keep me silent anymore!"  I can feel myself getting stronger even in my dreams!  -Katie

There. I said it. I wasn't going to write this, wasn't even sure what to say. But, to remain silent is what this disease wants. In my teens I "dabbled" with eating disorders, but it was never anything major. The past few months have been really hard on me, emotionally. Dealing with my abuse, dealing with becoming a young woman. I didn't want my body to change, become someone I had no idea who that was. And deep down inside, I wanted to be sick, to look gross, to show my rapist that I'm not anything he would "want" etc. That was crazy.  I need to be healthy. For my relationship, my job, and my life in general. I can't say I'm going to get better over night. But, I am going to try! With all my love, Katie

"My name is Kiara Draines, I am now 23 years old, but my nightmares began 16 years ago. In the presence of my own home I was raped and molested by two people that I call family!  I had no idea if it was right or wrong so I never told anyone until one day , I was 17 years old and me an my mom got into a really big fight and I just blurted it out!! For years it haunted me! It turned me into a girl I no longer recognized. It made me do things that I later regretted, and bring hurt upon myself that didn't have to occur. But now I am older, and I am wiser, and I am ready to heal. So I am taking each step it takes for me to heal and for me to be able to lead other young girls, women, young men, and men to heal!"

We can heal together! -Katie

I've been afraid to share my whole story, beyond my brief letter to my attacker. But, seeing people come forward to tell theirs has inspired me to be brave too. "Katie's Story I was 21. Just barely 21. Before I get into it. Let me just say I’ve had depression, anxiety and a personality disorder since I was 14. At this time, it was the worst, I was not taking my meds. I was in and out of hospitals and just not functioning. Anyone who knows about or deals with Borderline Personality Disorder or other mental illnesses know how that goes.
 May I also add that to this point I was, well a technical virgin. I was raised in a very reserved, Christian family. And like many others, despite my illness, I was going to remain a virgin til marriage. Well, some time after I moved out on my own, I met my next door neighbor. He was several years older, but we became friends. He’d take me places, and we’d hang out and watch movies. Well, eventually we started to fool around. I was nervous, ...

" The youngest memory I have of my life is when my Grandmother and her husband was getting a divorce and he came after her with a shovel threatening to kill her, I was three years old. At such a young age, I kind of had an idea how some men were; my biological father seem to get off on the idea of somebody hurting and I was one of them...he would trip me and make me fall, push the swing so high that it would come undone, and let go of the wagon on top of a hill. It's amazing that I even survived my childhood. Not only did he enjoy seeing someone go through pain but he also got off on putting fear in my life...when I was little, apparently I was hungry and I tried to eat a plant, so to keep me from doing it again, he told me that if I got near any more plants, that they would come back and strangle me in my sleep; now I was only four at the time, so I believed him. Well if I did anything wrong, he would put me in the truck, with the windows down, riding through the woods...now ...

"It all started when I was in high school. I went to a very large high school and with me never being a very out-going person, I felt pressured to belong to a clique or to stand out in some way. I did well in school but was never very popular. Lots of girls end up having their first boyfriend and/or first kiss in high school and never of those things were happening for me, but I wanted it to. I was always jealous of the girls I saw walking through the halls with their boyfriends, making out with their boyfriends before and after every class, or seeing their boyfriends give them presents on their birthday or Valentine's Day or even just seeing girls getting attention from the jocks and all the other popular guys. I wanted a guy to pay attention to me and make me feel special for once, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was doing wrong. Was I unattractive? Was I not smart enough? Was I in the wrong classes? Did people think I was stuck-up because I didn'...

My friend's story was published. Check the link below to read.  http://www.unslutproject.com/2/post/2014/03/that-doesnt-sound-like-a-rape-to-me-that-sounds-like-a-horny-teenage-boy.html

Here's a video my friend Stephanie put together. Please check it out!!! http://youtu.be/jgAU6eiSD1w - Katie