Becoming Katie Butterfly

My friend Jess is always getting me excited about things that excite me, especially this thing called life. And I've been trying to figure out what to blog about... So here it is.... 😊 Tomorrow I've been married to my best friend for two months. THAT EXCITES ME! Going to the Porcupine Mountains... Camping and spending valuable time with family. THAT EXCITES ME! Doing my different art projects. THAT EXCITES ME! Realizing I'm a beautiful Butterfly. THAT REALLY EXCITES ME! My job at the library REALLY EXCITES ME! My fearless sisters and friends/family. They really excite me! Life in general really excites me! How about you.... What REALLY EXCITES YOU? Love and hugs Katie Butterfly

Sometimes I just love doing complete body self-care, clean shaven, great smelling lotion all over my body, putting on a sexy dress, lighting some candles and loving the hell out of my sexy self. That's my take on healing and loving myself and body again. Today it feels so freeing and healing. I'm telling myself that I am capable of love, of loving and being loved in return. I am capable of being sexy and not feeling dirty. I am capable of all good things. I am Mrs. W and I deserve all good things. I deserve to be Mrs. J. W! Hugs, Katie 

Whether we mean to or not, sometimes what we think is going to be helpful, is sometimes, well not. This is not meant to offend anyone, but a look into how helpfulness can be perceived by survivors. "I don't want people walking on eggshells around me or treat me like I'm so fragile that I'll break. If I was fragile I would have shattered a long time ago. What happened to me was unfortunate but it hasn't and will not break me. I can't live my life afraid of being triggered or upset because that is letting him win. I don't want people being afraid either. People may think they are helping  but honestly it just upsets me. Instead people can listen to me when I choose to talk about whatever and validating me and believing me.  I am working towards the best life possible with my husband. Recap: I'm not broken, fragile, damaged... None of those things." You are not broken, fragile or damaged either!  Love always,  Katie 

I have debated about whether to post this as a blog or not. But, I got so much good feedback on it, I decided yes - I would! Xo - Katie 6 years have gone by. I blocked what he had done out for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. My abuser's wife had even made me a special Tinkerbell cake as I LOVED Tinkerbell. Another thing he stole from me that night. I could never look at my Tinkerbell blanket the same. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend's husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. H...

This is Jessica's story. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are so brave and fearless!!    *********************************************** When Katie asked me to share my story on her blog I was elated. I had shared parts of my story a few months prior on my own blog ( girlwithamission.org ) so I was ready to jump right in and share even more of myself with you. I had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up with parents who gave unconditional love, a younger brother and sister who copied everything I did (it was annoying at the time- but they're my best friends now!), played sports and had a few friends. When I was about 10 years old until I was 12 I was sexually abused by my neighbor. He was about 4 years older than me, and he was cute. Of course I had a crush on him. He was the older boy next door. He also had 2 older brothers and my brother and I would play basketball with them all the time. They were older than us, but they let us play with them. We had fun. One day m...

You can't stop what's done to you, you can only survive. And somewhere in the process to forgive, in order to truly move forward. That is what I am trying  to do. God is helping me and my friends. The first helpful thing was being heard, validated. "I know that you were raped.  I also know that you survived and are taking back your life and your power. " Thanks for believing me. It's a hard thing to come forward, to say and being heard is EVERYTHING!  I can't take back what was done, I can only learn to move forward. Onward I go, Katie

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD,  my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this?  My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it.  And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

To whoever may be reading this.... Its not your fault, and it will never be your fault. Abuse is abuse. Remember that! I don't know your story but I care, a lot! Take care of YOU.

Hi guys! It's Katie. I've been in a slump of depression ever since I ran into my rapist last week. But, I got a chance to see my therapist today and that really helped. I've been dealing with the guilt of not saying no, and was it really rape then. She asked me. "If you had said no, do you think he would have stopped." the answer is. No he would not have. Plain and simple. I've been reading and it turns out a lot of times survivors end up with an eating disorder. I already had one as a teenager and the stress of everything and trying to control SOMETHING in my life has led back to it. I'm trying to reclaim my life. Being healthy enough for day to day stuff, my relationship. Everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and he doesn't get to be apart of it. I was in a hole for awhile there, but I'm crawling out and am going to be bigger and stronger. All my love, Katie

I know I can use these right now and thought you could too! KEEP FIGHTING! Katie

AND I WAS OK! I ran into my abuser the other day. I didn't acknowledge him. I will admit it brought up painful feelings, but I'm okay. I'm no longer a victim. I'm a survivor. To my abuser and my stalker, you no longer have control of me. I am taking my life back! It's my life and I love it!!! It was a very empowering but scary experience! STAY FEARLESS! All my love.... Katie

Next week I am seeing Ingrid Michaelson for the first time. I am beyond excited! Her "Be Ok" has gotten me through some many dark days in this journey!! Less than a week and I will be seeing her live!  My love, Katie 

I've been thinking about it and I don't want to waste another second of my life on the likes of my abuser. I know he doesn't waste his life thinking of me. I am done!!  I have so much positive in my life, I don't even want to think of him! That's where I'm at today. Xoxo, KT

Well, I need to write this. The memories, the guilt, the self-blame - all of that is all flooding back. Just down pouring on me. I can't let this get to me. I have a job interview tomorrow and I gotta be the best person I can be. But - it's all coming back, because I'm thinking about next weekend when I go to our yearly church camp. I will probably run into my runner-up nightmare, the people I really have the most nightmares about. His ex-family. I can't handle the glares and the judgemental looks. They don't know what really happened and frankly I don't think they care. I just want to scream "you don't know what happened. How can you be judging me. You claim to be these high and mighty Christians, yet you treat people like crap" I sinned yes, I was used, yes, and I was made to do something I really didn't want to do. But, even then... No sin is greater than the other in God's eyes. I just have to hold my head up high and not be ashamed. I ...

So, I felt the need to write this post because today one of my Facebook friends made the comment on this picture  That it was provocative. This upset me a great deal as I'm a survivor and learning it doesn't matter what we wear, that we still aren't asking for it. And this picture. Please tell me how it was provocative? The rape culture and how girls "should not" dress is very much real. And it's bullshit. How about guys not rape. And use it as an excuse to why it was ok! As for this friend who made the comment. This was not the first time I felt she was interfering with my recovery. So, I removed and blocked her.! Being apart of my life is a privilege, and if you can't be nice or supportive of me, I reserve the right to take away that privilege. I'm not a bad person, I'm sure she isn't either, but I have to protect me and my recovery. Guys, remember that you are never asking for it! NO MORE! -Katie

So today, another song, one -he- claimed to be our song came on the radio. First instinct is to say "I hate this song!" And turn it off.... Well, I was starting to do that when I made ANOTHER choice to not let him win. I turned the song, and even though I don't particularly like that song anymore anyway, I want it to be on my own terms. Today I chose fearlessness in regards to a song. Today, I won! -Katie

" When I was in my mid-teens, I was sexually assaulted. When I was in my mid-teens,  I was taught my sole purpose on this earth was to be of service to men, to be a sexual object, not a human being .   After being assaulted, everything I thought I knew about myself crumbled. I became an object, not a person . The deep seeded shame society taught me was mine to bear crippled and silenced me. I was taught that what happened to me was my fault. I walked the hallways at school with my head tilted to the floor and my books tightly wrapped around my chest. I didn’t have to look up to know everyone was whispering to each other about me as I walked by. “Did you hear, she cuts herself, what an attention whore”, “Did you know she was drinking the other day in class? She’s crazy”. Little did they know about the pain I was feeling inside, how every day I would wake up hoping it would be my last. After my assault, I felt so alone and the only way I could release my pain was to wage a war a...

I had a dream/nightmare last night. A pretty typical occurance for me. Last night I remember saying real confident and sincerely "you are not going to keep me silent anymore!"  I can feel myself getting stronger even in my dreams!  -Katie

" Here is my story of how I grew up in a home that was surrounded by domestic violence. Growing up was crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and he would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would get a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didn’t know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One Thanksgiving Day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother wok...