Katie's Story.

I've been afraid to share my whole story, beyond my brief letter to my attacker. But, seeing people come forward to tell theirs has inspired me to be brave too.

"Katie's Story

I was 21. Just barely 21. Before I get into it. Let me just say I’ve had depression, anxiety and a personality disorder since I was 14. At this time, it was the worst, I was not taking my meds. I was in and out of hospitals and just not functioning. Anyone who knows about or deals with Borderline Personality Disorder or other mental illnesses know how that goes.
 May I also add that to this point I was, well a technical virgin. I was raised in a very reserved, Christian family. And like many others, despite my illness, I was going to remain a virgin til marriage. Well, some time after I moved out on my own, I met my next door neighbor. He was several years older, but we became friends. He’d take me places, and we’d hang out and watch movies. Well, eventually we started to fool around. I was nervous, excited, and yes, I wanted to know what it was like. We never fully did anything. But, afterwards I’d feel really guilty. And I think in my mind I was trying to justify what happened. I told a friend about it and how I felt. Somehow, she convinced me I was assaulted. So, having my BPD, and everything else, I couldn’t get it of my mind, So, I went to the ER and I had a rape kit done and had to open up to the police. That in itself can be quite traumatizing. Anyway, the outcome of all that was, they didn’t press charges because our stories were such a close match. Which is a good thing, or I would have sent an innocent man and my now fiancé to prison. Some time after that, my neighbor and I started talking again. And I apologized and I think at that point, we kinda would fool around again… But, then my friend’s sister (at the time) and her husband moved into town. They were new so they would invite me over and hang out… Well, at some point the whole thing about my neighbor and the way it made me feel came up again. And her husband convinced me that my neighbor was a total creeper and out to get me… and he helped me get a temporary restraining order against him, which was later thrown out because I could not show up to court. Anyway, he (the husband) decided to come over to my apartment to “keep me safe” well, let’s just say… he got my virginity. He sure is a sweet talker. and I now very much regret it, but I was very sick at the time, so yes, I slept with a married man. He convinced me he was gonna leave his Pregnant wife and 2 kids to take care of me… Right. But, I believed him. Anyway, some time after this, I was feeling like such a failure, a waste of space, didn’t deserve to be alive. That I downed a ton of pills. This was a VERY SERIOUS suicide attempt out of my many others. This time I truly thought I deserved to die and I was not worth loving anymore… Well, guess who showed up in the ER and told me nothing was worth dying for. Yep, my neighbor,  the man who’s life I almost ruined. After all that, he still loved me. As for the husband, he’s history.

 For about 4 years, I had put all this on the back burner. Until last Spring, while at my parents, the subject of him and his wife leaving him, because he had had an affair, came up. My world just crashed. I KNEW it was me. I felt so ashamed, so guilty, so, I don’t even know. I knew I had to come clean. I pulled my mom aside, bawling, I cried “it was me, Mom, It was me!” she Surprisingly was very understanding and she told me not to blame myself, especially since I had been very sick and that wasn’t who I am now.

I thought my story was unusual, but I'm sickened to say, this kind of abuse happens too often.

I've been afraid to say anything for fear of being looked down on.

But, what he did was wrong, I should not be ashamed or stay silent. And neither should you!

Love and hugs -

Katie"