Becoming Katie Butterfly

This quote described my illness and feelings to a T. I do know what it's like to wanna die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I spent many years of my life being a girl, interrupted. I'm not ashamed anymore and I want others to know that they aren't crazy. You aren't! Some people just feel things more intense than others.  I'm going to share some quotes from things I wrote in my journal during some of my dark times. " I’m just feeling so blue and I have no clue why. My eyes are watery for no reason. I feel like I’m going to cry, but why? Why am I sad?" "I just want to cry, die, laugh, scream, bounce, sleep and everything at once. What is the matter with me? Do you ever get like that? I feel suffocated and it gets to a point where I’m about ready to jump up, run away and hide. Do you ever get like that?  I don’t know what my problem is." Now ...

Please don't stop talking. Your voice is beautiful. By staying silent you let the bad guys win. I hope you speak, I hope you use your voice. I hope you can find strength and empowerment in speaking up. Maybe you aren't okay right now, but sometime soon you will be, I promise. Don't give up. I care what you have to say. Many people do. It is just a lie we tell ourselves. I was raped too. The first step is talking about it, letting it out and realizing we aren't alone and that we can heal. That it wasn't our fault and we shouldn't be ashamed. I hear you, I see you and it's all going to be ok. I hope whoever is reading this finds the strength and courage to talk about and deal with whatever demons are in your life. XOXO, K

Today I want to talk about kindness. It's always important to be kind. We never know what battles others are going through or how our interaction with them can impact their life. I know I'm not perfect but I try to be the kindest person I can be. I try to be kind and loving and compassionate. I hope if I've impacted people it's been a good thing. "Show a little bit of love and kindness." Give it a try. Compliment someone. Thank them for a job well done. At home, in your friendships and in the workplace, even a stranger. One simple smile can change the world! Smiles, K

No more "but he was so gentle" it was still rape. No more "but I didn't say no" I didn't say it was okay either No more "I should have known better." I didn't but he did. No more "but so many others had it worse." No more second guessing it. No more letting it control me. No more "I'm gonna show you how it's really done." No more "you're gonna like this." No more excuses, no more self blame, no more silence. NO MORE! Why do you say no more? -Katie

" i was the 2nd of 3 children. only girl. my older brother was fast to notice boys and girls are different. he explored my differences any time he had a chance. he damaged me to the point that i do not trust men at all. i cut myself to pieces when i think about him hurting me. i have horrible flashbacks and self injure 90% of when i have one. i have been cutting since i was 11 and i am now 29. i can go months without it but then it hits me and i get sucked back in. i have been hospitalized 21 times the most recent just in august. its really hard for me to let people in. i have a been in a relationship for almost 2 years and its hard for me to stay talking to my girl without shutting down when i get in a mood. she tries to help me the best she can. she refuses to give up on me. she is my number one support. i have a feeling i would be dead without her. when i try so hard to push her away she pushes back and makes me talk to her and she saves my life so much."

Thank you Sam for being brave and for sharing your experiences with mental illness! You are incredibly awesome! Katie and Britt ************************** Mental Illness is a huge topic that I don't feel like is addressed properly or it's misconceived by the media, and posers. Since I was little I've battled and still pull through my mental disorders to this day. I struggle with Anxiety, Depression, and Body/Confidence issues. Everyday is a fighting battle, some take over more than others. It doesn't help either, when you have the public all around you, staring, judging, and bullying you or people that have the same issues as you do. I've been severely bullied throughout my life. I've had people tell me that they'll be there for me, and help me through my darkest times. Come to find out that not many people keep their promises. I've had so many people walk out of my life & say that they don't care about me anymore, and abandon me, and everything ...

Today was sort of a rough day, emotionally. My winter depression is starting to kick in. Tonight I plan to watch some SVU and drink some tea and try to relax. Everything's gonna be alright!  I'm a fighter and a thriver! So boo-yah! Xoxo Katie

Thank you Ashley for being so brave! Love you.  " Hello, my name is Ashley and I am 19 years old. I am writing to you all today to tell my story, thanks to the wonderful creators of this page. One of them happens to be my best friend :)  My mom has always been verbally abusive. As I was growing up I struggled with learning how to respect my mom because she would always say things to hurt me and my way of defending myself was talking back. Others found it offensive and still do. They believe that every child should respect their parents. I do agree with that but it is hard to do when you are a victim in the relationship. Sometimes some people are opinion based on the old fashion morals and beliefs that every child should respect their parents. Those same people either blind themselves from witnessing a verbal attack or they don't care. My grandmother, my father’s mom, lived with us until she got sick and had to live with my aunt in Reno when I was 8. She raised me more than my ...

Well, today I had off. Even with not sleeping well, do to cramps, I got up at a decent hour. What have I done so far? Well, I did some cleaning while listening to music.  Now, I've made myself some coffee and watching one of my favorite movies... Which one? Home Alone. Yep - I love these movies and is a care given that it's only October? Nope. Because this is my self care for today! What have you done or plan to do to care for yourself today? And whenever I look at my engagement pictures, I can't help but smile. I think I'm happy! Always, Katie

I have no words to express how much joy is in my heart right now! My sister shot our engagement pictures today. I think they capture a small fraction of my love and happiness. I am moving forward with my life, our life. Katie

Mental Illness isn't funny. People need to leave Amanda Bynes alone. She's not crazy, she just needs help. I should know. And I'm not crazy.  People need to educate themselves before speaking so stupid and saying cruel things. Those words can end up being the last straw for someone. How would YOU feel if you were mentally ill, having an episode and the whole world knew who you were and was making fun of you? I'm guessing you wouldn't like it at all. This is an issue I will never stop speaking up and stand up for. In my worst part of my illness, I don't even want to tell you all the things I did, said and how many times I was locked up. And it was people's ignorance that pushed my last button. I am no longer that person today and I don't believe any person is worth giving up on. Educate yourself before you crack a joke that you think is funny. It's not and it hurts many people. And keeps the Shane and stigma there. I'm all about breaking it! Katie

Who am I? Well, I'm Katie, aka Katie Marie, Katie Bug, Reba, just to name a few. I'm 26. I have a mental illness and anxiety. I used to say I am this or that. But, it's not true. It's a condition I have, it doesn't define me. I'm also a survivor of sexual assault. I am leaving behind the survivor status and heading into Thriving. I'm a kind-hearted, generous person, sometimes to a fault. I think living with a mental illness enhances it because I know what it's like. But, I've always be a kind, caring person. I love to read, writing, talk, watch movies, take selfies, etc. I'm a really outgoing person. A social butterfly, if you will. I do have anxiety that can get in the way, but I'm learning to control it. I love animals. Especially My kitties and families' pets. I want to be a voice to those who have not yet found theirs. I love God and all the wonderful friends and family He has blessed me with! I'm engaged to my best fr...

Well, Jeff and I are finally getting our engagement pictures done this weekend. So, today I got my nails done so I can have pretty hand shoots! :) I'm so excited to leaving survivor behind and heading into a thriver! I feel so much hope and joy! Katie 

Today has been a long day. I put in a 8-4 day, which was fun and great to do again, but I'm not used to it. And that email I received was so wonderful but a bit overwhelming too. I am going to put on my Adventures in Odyssey and climb into bed. Self care is getting much needed rest. Gotta get up at 6 and it comes early. Remember to keep your light burning. Always, Katie

Last week I sent an e-mail to Susie McEntire telling her my story, and today she responded. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to share it as it's very personal, but then I thought it could help others too. Her words are bold. Katie, thank you for sharing your blog. See comments below:    Dear Susie, I am writing to you because you inspire me and I read somewhere that you  are a survivor too. I run a blog with another survivor friend of mine. I  just wanted to share something I wrote recently. I hope this gets to you and  if it does, thanks for reading it! "I go through periods of times where I don't know if what happened to me  was rape, assault, or my fault because the way the law is and because  victims want to place blame on themselves.   **these things are confusing to start with. Trying to fit a very dynamic  real life event into a "term" or category can be hard. However, it is not  necessary to categorize it from your hear...

I love this song. And the words, that's what I try to do in my life. " There is a candle in every soul Some brightly burning, some dark and cold There is a Spirit who brings fire Ignites a candle and makes His home Carry your candle, run to the darkness Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn Hold out your candle for all to see it Take your candle, and go light your world Take your candle, and go light your world Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to Light his own candle some other way See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to Still holds a candle without a flame Carry your candle, run to the darkness Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn Hold out your candle for all to see it Take your candle, and go light your world Take your candle, and go light your world We are a family whose hearts are blazing So let's raise our candles and light up the sky Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus Make us a beacon in darkest times Carry your candle, run to ...

I'm just relaxing until I fall asleep, and while scrolling through my facebook feed I found these quotes that are very true and reflect on the whole forgiveness thing.    I continue to be a kind-hearted person, and continuing to pray for me to forgive the worst and to build my faith in God., and while I do this, I need to remember to ask forgiveness for myself. For the times I've failed to forgive, for all the times I've failed to be the person He wants me to be. I'm so glad to have a God that will meet me where I'm at, and tag along with me as I continue to "try".  I'm truly blessed by an amazing God . And the family and friend He has given me. I'm going to be ok, I'm going to be alright, I'm going to shine. I'm going to keep my light shining and I won't let Satan blow it out. Keep your lights shining, Katie

Forgiveness is a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be just a one time thing, but it's not. I'm finding out I'm having to talk to God constantly to guide me and help me. In the moments I want to just scream and be angry, I'm realizing I need to turn to God and say "God, I'm still angry, I'm still hurting. But, I want to forgive him. I want to find peace. Help me." I'm finding in my moments of not being able to do anything else, I can at least talk to God about how hard it is. I'm still angry. I still hurt. I'm still ashamed. And I'm still turning to God for help. & that's where I'm at right now. Katie

I'm pretty sure this quote is talking to me. I keep going back to 5 years ago, to him, to what he did, all of it. I cannot move on to the next chapter, the chapter I really want to be in if I keep reeling in this circle. It's time to leave the **** chapter behind and truly start living the Jeff, library and VOX work chapters and all the ones after that. It doesn't mean I have to erase the past chapters like they didn't happen. But, I have to move forward... So, on to the next chapter! Katie

"My life is planted in my past and though my life is changing fast, who I am is who I want to be, I'm a Survivor." The words I am telling myself today. I. Am. A. Survivor. & guess what... So are you!! We are also beautiful, wonderful people. Our past doesn't define us. And neither does what happened to us. Just keep swimming. We will swim together! Always, Katie

This is a video that my friend Stephanie Chard put together to show other survivors that they are not alone. Keep this video going around. Katie