I was a Girl, Interrupted

This quote described my illness and feelings to a T. I do know what it's like to wanna die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I spent many years of my life being a girl, interrupted. I'm not ashamed anymore and I want others to know that they aren't crazy.

You aren't! Some people just feel things more intense than others.

I'm going to share some quotes from things I wrote in my journal during some of my dark times.

"I’m just feeling so blue and I have no clue why. My eyes are watery for no reason. I feel like I’m going to cry, but why? Why am I sad?"

"I just want to cry, die, laugh, scream, bounce, sleep and everything at once. What is the matter with me? Do you ever get like that? I feel suffocated and it gets to a point where I’m about ready to jump up, run away and hide. Do you ever get like that? I don’t know what my problem is."

Now about 10 years later I am almost a completely different person. I'm in remission. I still have my bad days but my intense motions are at bay. It does get better.

You aren't alone. If you ever need to talk our inbox is always open. Fearlessrecovery13@gmail.com

You are loved!

Xoxo,

Comments

Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

Becoming Katie Butterfly

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