"i was the 2nd of 3 children. only girl. my older brother was fast to notice boys and girls are different. he explored my differences any time he had a chance. he damaged me to the point that i do not trust men at all. i cut myself to pieces when i think about him hurting me. i have horrible flashbacks and self injure 90% of when i have one. i have been cutting since i was 11 and i am now 29. i can go months without it but then it hits me and i get sucked back in. i have been hospitalized 21 times the most recent just in august. its really hard for me to let people in. i have a been in a relationship for almost 2 years and its hard for me to stay talking to my girl without shutting down when i get in a mood. she tries to help me the best she can. she refuses to give up on me. she is my number one support. i have a feeling i would be dead without her. when i try so hard to push her away she pushes back and makes me talk to her and she saves my life so much."
So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...
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