"i was the 2nd of 3 children. only girl. my older brother was fast to notice boys and girls are different. he explored my differences any time he had a chance. he damaged me to the point that i do not trust men at all. i cut myself to pieces when i think about him hurting me. i have horrible flashbacks and self injure 90% of when i have one. i have been cutting since i was 11 and i am now 29. i can go months without it but then it hits me and i get sucked back in. i have been hospitalized 21 times the most recent just in august. its really hard for me to let people in. i have a been in a relationship for almost 2 years and its hard for me to stay talking to my girl without shutting down when i get in a mood. she tries to help me the best she can. she refuses to give up on me. she is my number one support. i have a feeling i would be dead without her. when i try so hard to push her away she pushes back and makes me talk to her and she saves my life so much."
I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th
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