Becoming Katie Butterfly

It's 7 days until my birthday! I have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed me with a wonderful family, amazing work, great friends! And I couldn't be happier. I have been opening some wounds in order to heal them and I'm proud to say that my triggering songs are now just about to be just songs. Nothing more. Nothing life. Now I want my birthday and my Spring time back. It's mine. And I'm going to try to start celebrating my life a week early. Why? Because I can. And because by the time my birthday is here. I want it to be just that... MY birthday. Not a date Or time of year I spent with my abuser. I have always loved my birthday and I am continuing to do that. I'm winning right now! Katie

I just want to see me be brave. As I approach the 6 years I have been trying to embrace things. The the two songs that remind me of him and that upset me in the past, have been on repeat. Making myself listen to them until they are just a song. As for the 6 years, it's also been 6 years since I've been with the love of my life. 6 years since I turned my life around.  For every stress or bad thing is all a positive or blessing. It's a little less than 2 weeks until my birthday and I'm trying to be brave! Katie

I say No more living in 2009. This is 2015. This is my year. No more pretending it didn't happen. It happened. Now I have to heal and move on. No more letting songs own me. No more letting the past own me. No more self blame! No more! This is my year! My 27th birthday and year is going to be amazing! I can already tell! I'm all about living and thriving and celebrating the small things in life! Katie

Lately I've been having issues with music and memories of my abuser. Music he loved and listened to. Today I'm challenging that. I'm listening to the music. Making new memories. And not letting them win. They are good songs. Sometimes being brave is facing what scares on head on. I'm going to listen to these songs and challenge all these thoughts until I'm not afraid or upset by them. I am fearless! Katie

So, I have been reading self help books on PTSD and I found this in a book I was reading today and I think it could help others as well, so I decided to type it up and blog about it. It is in the book "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook" by Glenn R. Schiraldi Ph.D Let's all strive to be thrivers!! Katie Victim Helpless Out of Control Angry Hoping to be rescued Perception of lacking choices Self-pity Passive Payoff (secondary gains) persuade person to remain in victim role Identity as a victim In pain, numb, defeated Avoidance of feelings “I’m still in the trauma” Controlled by memories Controlled by depression, anxiety, hatred, bitterness, revenge, physical complaints Has not learned from the experience, likely to repeat trauma, victimization, shame, self-dislike Self destructive behaviors. Hiding Feeling Fragile, vulnerable, defenseless Sense of no future, preoccup...

Happy Monday to our dear fearless readers! The weekend is over and it's back to work and everything else that must be done. I don't work until this afternoon. I'm currently watching Mary Poppins - A childhood favorite. I'm very much looking forward to the Spring-like weather we are finally supposed to get. I can feel my soul warming up in the sunshine. And I'm more than ever convinced that this is our year. Our year for happiness, our year for dreams to come true, just our year! So stay fearless and as amazing as you are! Great things are in store!! Fearlessly and joyfully, Katie

I have debated about whether to post this as a blog or not. But, I got so much good feedback on it, I decided yes - I would! Xo - Katie 6 years have gone by. I blocked what he had done out for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. My abuser's wife had even made me a special Tinkerbell cake as I LOVED Tinkerbell. Another thing he stole from me that night. I could never look at my Tinkerbell blanket the same. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend's husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. H...

So, yesterday, March 1st was Self Injury Awareness Day. I decided to make a blog on this. I self harmed from the time I was 14 until I was about 22. About 8 years and I've been completely clean for about 5 years. I starting cutting myself as a way to deal with the depression and feelings of deep despair. I cut all through out high school.  My scars used to bother me a lot. But, now I just think of them of reminders of everything I've come through and that I'm alive and a survivor. I survived high school, deep depression, many suicide attempts, rape, self harm. I'm only 26 and I already feel like I've lived a full life. But, now that all that darkness is behind me, I'm looking forward to a life of light, and endless opportunities. Will I still have bad days? Absolutely. But, I know the worst is behind me! I'm going to keep on living for today (and tomorrow) and kicking life's butt. I'm not just a survivor. I AM A THRIVER. Joyfully and Fearlessly thriv...

This is Jessica's story. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are so brave and fearless!!    *********************************************** When Katie asked me to share my story on her blog I was elated. I had shared parts of my story a few months prior on my own blog ( girlwithamission.org ) so I was ready to jump right in and share even more of myself with you. I had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up with parents who gave unconditional love, a younger brother and sister who copied everything I did (it was annoying at the time- but they're my best friends now!), played sports and had a few friends. When I was about 10 years old until I was 12 I was sexually abused by my neighbor. He was about 4 years older than me, and he was cute. Of course I had a crush on him. He was the older boy next door. He also had 2 older brothers and my brother and I would play basketball with them all the time. They were older than us, but they let us play with them. We had fun. One day m...