Becoming Katie Butterfly

Hey all. It's Katie. I apologize for not blogging more. I wanted to do more with this being Sexual Assault Awareness Month but between moving (finally got moved in last night) and my Grandma dying Thursday morning I just have not had the time/desire to blog. I do know, however, that she loved when I would write and so today as we make our way to North Dakota for the funeral I thought I would make a quick post. She was truly one of the best people I ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is really my aunt. But, she took in my mom after their parents died. So she has always been Grandma to my siblings. The rug has literally been whipped out from under my feet. I'm struggling to come to terms, and find the best way to grieve and deal with this. I was 16 when I lost someone who was like a grandpa to me and that hurt me so bad. I never thought anything could be worse than that, but it can hurt. All I know is I'm hurting but I'm also enjoying thinking of th...

Thank you Rose for sharing your story with us. You are incredible. And yes, you ARE a thriver! "I had a pretty good childhood, but just because I had both parents doesn't mean it was functional. When I was six I was sexually molested in the school bathroom but I never said anything until I was thirteen. I still get nightmares from that day. I never really understood at the time what had happened to me, but I feel disgusted that I remember enjoying it a little. At ten years old I started thinking about self harm and started developing an image problem. I thought the perfect weight was 63 and still do to this day. I started cutting myself when I was fourteen and have not stopped completely yet. I was having a bad day and I was depressed so I cut with a razor blade and when I got caught I would blame it on the dog. During my teen years I was socially awkward and miserable-always wanting to kill myself, being bounced around from hospital programs then back to school, it was mad...

I received this from a dear friend & wanted to share this here. It really touched my heart. "My Friend Katie is a brave young woman who has quite a bit of life experience for her young age. Unfortunately it has not all been positives, but this is a huge part of what makes Katie brave and good. She has chosen to use her experiences both good and bad to reach out to other people and help them along their paths. She is kind and considerate and knows well the struggles and hurts that we all deal with on a daily basis no matter what our life story may be. She brings an "us" to "them" and makes our world a better place just for her being here."

I've really been lacking on the self care lately. But, this afternoon I working on my new room at the new place and started putting up my different collections (American Girl, Reba, DVDs) Then I came home and lit all my candles and watched some shows I like. Lately I've been doing reading at night but I think I will mix it up a little. I feel like watching a good lifetime movie and maybe even a bath. I really haven't done that in a long time. Mainly because I can never stay in very long because I feel overheated and figure it's a waste. That and the thought of it triggered me. Feeling dirty, and not wanting to see myself (just jump in the shower and get out, is what I prefer) but lately I'm thinking I need to love my body for what it is. My body isn't dirty, my bed wasn't dirty. What he did to my WAS dirty. And that's where I have to leave it. So, maybe if I'm feeling brave, I will take a bath. I might just wait until we are officially in the new pla...

Reba's new song (off the new album - YAY!) is a perfect blog title. Because Living, Taking my life back, keeping on keeping on, has not killed me, yet. So, I know I mentioned previously mentioned that Jeff & I are officially in the process of moving to our brand new apartment (Yay for new beginnings!) And yesterday I got to see goodbye to the bed that I was raped in. I feel so free and like a big burden has been lifted. Yes, things are just getting better & better. I can feel myself getting stronger & stronger. I truly believe that this is MY year. Here is to letting go and letting new and better things happen! Love, Katie

Hi all! I have a question for you. Who is Katie? What do you see me as? What do you like about me, my strengths, anything positive you can think of. I have a good idea of who I am and what makes me special. What makes me, me. But I would love to hear it from YOU! :) Joyfully, Katie

Today is my 27th birthday. A hard day/time of the year in regards to my depression and flashbacks from my abuse. But, I am a trooper and I am so touched by all the love and kindness people have shown me. I'm very emotional today. It all means so much but I also feel like I don't deserve all the love. That I'm still a bad person. But, that's the victim in me. So today I'm going from victim/survivor/thriver in all a matter of minutes/hours. I hope this is a normal part of recovery and dealing with weird dates where I should be happy, and I am, but also really sad/emotional.  I bet I'm not making any sense. But, I'm so touched and grateful for all who have shown unconditional kindness to me. You have shown me a bit of what God's love is. I think I've been feeling unworthy of His love as well. That's all I got. Katie

Hey it's Katie! I realized I haven't posted anything since Sexual Assault Awareness Month started! Well, I'm on break at work & thought I would take a few minutes to post a quick update & all that jazz. I have been doing much better. Still have my bad days. Still have my days of going a few steps back & then something will happen & I go forward again. I think this is common as a survivor. And I just keep pressing on! My faith and trust in God has helped me immensely & I have a wonderful support system. I haven't had any major flashbacks or dissociation episodes. Those only really happen when I'm really triggered by something and my body goes into protection mode. Unfortunately I can't predict when will happen but what I can do is practice self care and know that I can get through them! I'm not sure if the next few days will trigger an episode, but I can say I'm doing the best I can to care for myself &  love myself! Also.... Many ...