My heart is so touched

Today is my 27th birthday. A hard day/time of the year in regards to my depression and flashbacks from my abuse. But, I am a trooper and I am so touched by all the love and kindness people have shown me. I'm very emotional today. It all means so much but I also feel like I don't deserve all the love. That I'm still a bad person. But, that's the victim in me. So today I'm going from victim/survivor/thriver in all a matter of minutes/hours.

I hope this is a normal part of recovery and dealing with weird dates where I should be happy, and I am, but also really sad/emotional.

I bet I'm not making any sense.

But, I'm so touched and grateful for all who have shown unconditional kindness to me. You have shown me a bit of what God's love is. I think I've been feeling unworthy of His love as well.

That's all I got.

Katie

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Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

We matter too!

You know what really ticks me off? When society only bothers to talk about mental illness and how important it is to talk about is when someone famous is brought to the world's attention. What about the rest of us? Don't we matter? Well, I guess I will have to be our voice. Yes, you sitting at home because you have no where else to go, Yes, you the tired mom at home trying to manage everything AND get outta bed. Yes, you the one at your job with you smile on your face and no one knows how each day is a struggle to get up. You all matter! I'm one of the ones that used to sit at home without anything to live for. Lived a good part of my part living in and out of hospitals. Periods of me not taking my meds. Yes, my name is Katie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What it is: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization a...

Becoming Katie Butterfly

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