May Your Days Be Merry and Bright.

Hi readers!

It's been a long time since I have last posted and thought I would take the time to do that tonight before I head to bed.

I hope you all are having a blast getting ready for Christmas, and all the festive-ness. I also hope that you are taking the time for self care. The holidays can be a tough time of year for so many (myself included) and it's so important to be good to ourselves. I can't stress that enough.

Last week was the 10 year anniversary of losing my grandpa. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. But, I made it through.

I'm ready for Christmas. I have been so blessed this year by so much. I have some amazing friends and I couldn't ask for more.

I really don't need things for Christmas. I just want the love of my friends and family, and the happiness that comes from that.

Merry Christmas to you all!

All my love and hugs.

Katie

Comments

Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

Becoming Katie Butterfly

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