Dear You - Letters to my abuser and his wife.

I've written letters to my abuser (you know, the kind you don't actually send) and a little while ago I wrote one to my abuser's wife, as a lot of my guilt and pain was stemming from that angle too. I've been told it was very powerful so I thought I would share it here. Along with a past letter to my abuser.

Dear *******

I'm so sorry that I took your love and friendship you offered me and stomped on it. You were so kind to me. Even making me a Tinkerbell cake for my 21st birthday. I'm sorry I took your husband away from you and your precious kids. I'm sorry that now you forever have those memories carved in your mind. That when you were pregnant with ********, your sister's best friend took your husband. I'm sorry you see me as the one who took your husband away. I'm sorry that you don't know the truth. And that I still can't tell you.

I was raped. I would never do the things you and your family think I am. I am sorry I hurt you. 

I'm not sorry that you left him. You and your kids deserve so much better. I'm sorry that you will never know or accept the truth about me and what happened. So many times in my dreams, I am yelling at you and your family that you don't know what happened. That I was raped. And that I'm not going to blame myself anymore. And I'm not. I'm not going to blame myself for being vulnerable, for being ill, for being taken advantage of in my own bed. My childhood bed, with my innocent Tinkerbell blankets. I'm not going to blame myself for being raped. I have blamed myself for too long. You guys may never know the truth or accept it. But, I know the truth. I know what he did. I know it. And that's how that matters. I'm giving myself the validation I need.

I'm sorry for what happened to you and how you were hurt. That blame belongs to **** He shouldn't have hurt his wife or kids, but he also hurt me. Yes, you were a victim of his, but so was I.

Even if you can never forgive me, I am working on forgiving myself. And in the end that's all that matters.

Dear *******, I'm not going to sit around and let your family's glares and stares (when I do see them) bother me anymore. I know the truth. He raped me. And I'm not a home-wrecker. a Whore. Any of that. I was a victim but now I am a survivor.

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.

The law may not say you did anything wrong. But, you and I both know that you did. I know what you did. I may not be calling you directly out on what you did but I'm not staying quiet about it either.

I should feel no shame. What other people think or what they think they know doesn't matter.

You may never go to jail, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to keep myself in this jail either. I don't belong there.

I deserve to be happy and loved and to have a bright future. And I'm going to. You tried to take that all away from me but I'm stronger than that. 

I may want to hit you with a rubber mallet but the best I can do is not give you power. And believe it or not, I'm trying to pray for you. Pray that God helps me through this and pray that someday you realize how wrong you were. It won't be easy, but maybe that's all I can do now.

I don't know. But, I'm taking the blame off me. 

Dear John, I hope to say goodbye to the memories. That when I see a yellow car or hear certain words that I will not freak out. I hope to have an amazing life with Jeff who truly loves me and not what you did get in the way. If I keep talking about this, praying and holding onto the support I've been given, I believe I will be able to.

Dear John, it's time for me to say goodbye.

Katie

And there it is. I feel powerful again, just by re-posting it.

KatieBug