Nightmares, Feeling Empowered & Other Random Things

So, last night/early this morning I had another nightmare about my abuser. I could clearly see him in my dream and yes that part was upsetting.

The empowering part was how I stood up to him, named him for the monster he is and I told him off. I won't go into details. But it felt so empowering to be able to stand up to him and for myself. May I continue to have this strength.

Today, is kind of a down day for me. Jeff and I were supposed to be married today but because of some unfortunate downsides we were not be able to. Bummer, huh?

I'm also still hanging in there from losing my grandma. Can't believe it's been a week since we buried her. I guess time really doesn't stop, even as much as we want it to.

Jeff and I have moved into our new place and we are loving it. A fresh start is just what we needed.

I also ordered a late birthday gift. My favorite American Girl Doll of all time, Addy Walker. I do hope she arrives soon.

In the mean time today, I am self caring with a movie. Then I need to do some organizing in the spare room.

All in all, I'm hanging in there. I haven't been defeated yet.

In Jesus' Name, I find the strength to press on.

Katie Bug

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Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

We matter too!

You know what really ticks me off? When society only bothers to talk about mental illness and how important it is to talk about is when someone famous is brought to the world's attention. What about the rest of us? Don't we matter? Well, I guess I will have to be our voice. Yes, you sitting at home because you have no where else to go, Yes, you the tired mom at home trying to manage everything AND get outta bed. Yes, you the one at your job with you smile on your face and no one knows how each day is a struggle to get up. You all matter! I'm one of the ones that used to sit at home without anything to live for. Lived a good part of my part living in and out of hospitals. Periods of me not taking my meds. Yes, my name is Katie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What it is: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization a...

Becoming Katie Butterfly

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