The Greatest of These Is Love

Hi guys! Hope you are having a spectacular day!

I've been thinking about what to blog about... And my mind has been coming up blank, blank, blank. Well, I have about 30 minutes to kill before I start my last work shift before going on vacation tomorrow morning... Yep, you read that right. I am leaving for Michigan tomorrow morning to see my dad's family for a few days.

Originally I wasn't going to go, I had a lot going on and I've been pretty down since my grandma died but my wonderful uncle gently reminded me that I still have wonderful grandparents who love and miss me. So, I was able to get out of some things and am now able to make the trip.

I will get to see my grandparents, all my aunts and uncles, my cousins and my cousin's two boys, plus it works out that I will get to see my childhood best friend too! So many exciting things going on.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling truly happy and excited.

I do, however need to remember to practice my self care even when things are good...

Back to the title of today's blog... I've been doing my art therapy again and today I did one stating the Bible Verse "The greatest of these is love." And love truly is the greatest gift and blessing and something we need to not take for granted!

I hope you have a wonderfully amazing weekend filled with love because you deserve it! You are enough! You are loved. You are you and don't ever stop!

Lovingly,

Katie Bug

Comments

Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

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