Troubles, They don't Last Always

"You don't have to worry, and don't you be afraid. Joy comes in the morning, troubles, they don't last always. For there's a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away and if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say.... Oh I know that I can make it. I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands. With Jesus I can take it, with Him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in Your Hands."

This song is near and dear to my heart right now. The lyrics form in my head when I'm having a particularly bad day or when I realize my blessings.

This year has been really hard on me. With finding out I wasn't going to be able to get married, to losing my grandma unexpectedly. One thing or another being taken from me unfairly. The way things I have been going, I didn't think anything was going right.

Then a position at work opened up. One I've been doing weekly training for, something I've loved doing. Something my grandma believed in me for last year when I applied and didn't get it. When this oppportunity opened up, I knew I had to go for it. I decided to take a leap of faith and trust that God will provide. That I will be able to work more hours and still keep my medical insurance that I absolutely have to have to succeed. Anyway, I applied for the job and I got it. I'm still not 100% sure how the insurance is going to work but have 100% faith is God to continue to work!

I'm so blessed and happy right now.

And last night, I came home to flowers from Jeff. He's a keeper. :)

Joyfully,

Katie

Comments

Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Re-traumatized.

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word. Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons, I need to find away to approach this. I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away? Katie

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

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