Becoming Katie Butterfly

This quote described my illness and feelings to a T. I do know what it's like to wanna die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I spent many years of my life being a girl, interrupted. I'm not ashamed anymore and I want others to know that they aren't crazy. You aren't! Some people just feel things more intense than others.  I'm going to share some quotes from things I wrote in my journal during some of my dark times. " I’m just feeling so blue and I have no clue why. My eyes are watery for no reason. I feel like I’m going to cry, but why? Why am I sad?" "I just want to cry, die, laugh, scream, bounce, sleep and everything at once. What is the matter with me? Do you ever get like that? I feel suffocated and it gets to a point where I’m about ready to jump up, run away and hide. Do you ever get like that?  I don’t know what my problem is." Now ...

Please don't stop talking. Your voice is beautiful. By staying silent you let the bad guys win. I hope you speak, I hope you use your voice. I hope you can find strength and empowerment in speaking up. Maybe you aren't okay right now, but sometime soon you will be, I promise. Don't give up. I care what you have to say. Many people do. It is just a lie we tell ourselves. I was raped too. The first step is talking about it, letting it out and realizing we aren't alone and that we can heal. That it wasn't our fault and we shouldn't be ashamed. I hear you, I see you and it's all going to be ok. I hope whoever is reading this finds the strength and courage to talk about and deal with whatever demons are in your life. XOXO, K

Today I want to talk about kindness. It's always important to be kind. We never know what battles others are going through or how our interaction with them can impact their life. I know I'm not perfect but I try to be the kindest person I can be. I try to be kind and loving and compassionate. I hope if I've impacted people it's been a good thing. "Show a little bit of love and kindness." Give it a try. Compliment someone. Thank them for a job well done. At home, in your friendships and in the workplace, even a stranger. One simple smile can change the world! Smiles, K

No more "but he was so gentle" it was still rape. No more "but I didn't say no" I didn't say it was okay either No more "I should have known better." I didn't but he did. No more "but so many others had it worse." No more second guessing it. No more letting it control me. No more "I'm gonna show you how it's really done." No more "you're gonna like this." No more excuses, no more self blame, no more silence. NO MORE! Why do you say no more? -Katie

" i was the 2nd of 3 children. only girl. my older brother was fast to notice boys and girls are different. he explored my differences any time he had a chance. he damaged me to the point that i do not trust men at all. i cut myself to pieces when i think about him hurting me. i have horrible flashbacks and self injure 90% of when i have one. i have been cutting since i was 11 and i am now 29. i can go months without it but then it hits me and i get sucked back in. i have been hospitalized 21 times the most recent just in august. its really hard for me to let people in. i have a been in a relationship for almost 2 years and its hard for me to stay talking to my girl without shutting down when i get in a mood. she tries to help me the best she can. she refuses to give up on me. she is my number one support. i have a feeling i would be dead without her. when i try so hard to push her away she pushes back and makes me talk to her and she saves my life so much."

Thank you Sam for being brave and for sharing your experiences with mental illness! You are incredibly awesome! Katie and Britt ************************** Mental Illness is a huge topic that I don't feel like is addressed properly or it's misconceived by the media, and posers. Since I was little I've battled and still pull through my mental disorders to this day. I struggle with Anxiety, Depression, and Body/Confidence issues. Everyday is a fighting battle, some take over more than others. It doesn't help either, when you have the public all around you, staring, judging, and bullying you or people that have the same issues as you do. I've been severely bullied throughout my life. I've had people tell me that they'll be there for me, and help me through my darkest times. Come to find out that not many people keep their promises. I've had so many people walk out of my life & say that they don't care about me anymore, and abandon me, and everything ...

Today was sort of a rough day, emotionally. My winter depression is starting to kick in. Tonight I plan to watch some SVU and drink some tea and try to relax. Everything's gonna be alright!  I'm a fighter and a thriver! So boo-yah! Xoxo Katie