Becoming Katie Butterfly

Success is... Listening to Pokerface without freaking out. That's my success story for today.  I am taking back my life. So, in your face! Whether I like that song or not is up to me!  Katie

My version of Taylor's Dear John. No, it's not a song. It's another "letter" to my abuser. Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. The law may not say you did anything wrong. But, you and I both know that you did. I know what you did. I may not be calling you directly out on what you did but I'm not staying quiet about it either. I should feel no shame. What other people think or what they think they know doesn't matter. You may never go to jail, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to keep myself in this jail either. I don't belong there. I deserve to be happy and loved and to have a bright future. And I'm going to. You tried to take that all away from me but I'm stronger than that.  I may want to hit you with a rubber mallet but the best I can do is not give you power. And believe it or not, I'm trying to pray for you. Pray that God helps me through this and pray that someday you realize how...

Olivia Benson is my strength and my voice until I find my own.

Today in group I was triggered by the word vulnerable. Why? It reminds me of what Tracy and I talk about in therapy. Which made me think of him. Which led to me tensing up and wanting to run and hide. If I were to name the emotion from all that it would probably be shame and anger. And whatever you would call the shame from going through assault. The sexual shame. All of it. So then I feel mentally spent and flashbacks or memories happen. Guilty about letting him do it. Which leads me back to why didn't I stop it. As Tracy asked me one day. "If you had said no, would he have listened." And I believe the answer to be no, no, he wouldn't have. His wife was pregnant and he was using me to get what he wanted. Also, I had a dream about my ex-good friend. His ex-sister-in-law. I'm angry at that family for judging me when they don't know what's going on. And I miss C's friendship. I can't guarantee that's why she stopped talking to me. But, wh...

I'm not going to sit around and pretend I'm not hurting anymore. That everything is ok. I'm done. It takes too much energy. So, hi. I'm Katie. I'm hurting & that's okay. I'm hurt that my friend just ran off. And that another friend left with no explanation. I'm hurt that my friends don't have time for me. & that I feel so alone. I'm upset that I let things go this far. It's time to take my life back even if I have to do it all by myself.  I'm not going to let negativity suck the life out of me. I have too many positive things going for me! And if I really sat down and made a list of the negative and positive, the positive would win by far! Gotta keep that perspective.  Katie

Katie here. I was going to do a re-post of my story. But, instead I think I will do a different take on it. I go through periods of times where I don't know if what happened to me was rape, assault, or my fault because the way the law is and because victims want to place blame on themselves. So to recap. I was 21 with a mind of about 17 or 18. Was at the worst of my mental illness. Not taking my meds, in and out of hospitals etc. I was so confused. I thought  consensual fooling around was not, and apparently I thought non consensual was okay? He came into my life. He wanted to protect me and help me. That's what I needed. What I didn't need was to be confused by sex. I grew up in a conservative Christian family, and I was very naive about this stuff. He would come over to "protect" me and it turned into sexual stuff. He basically said it would make me feel better. He could show me how it's really done, etc. I didn't know the first thing about sex,...

You know what really ticks me off?  When society only bothers to talk about mental illness and how important it is to talk about is when someone famous is brought to the world's attention. What about the rest of us? Don't we matter? Well, I guess I will have to be our voice.  Yes, you sitting at home because you have no where else to go, Yes, you the tired mom at home trying to manage everything AND get outta bed. Yes, you the one at your job with you smile on your face and no one knows how each day is a struggle to get up. You all matter!  I'm one of the ones that used to sit at home without anything to live for. Lived a good part of my part living in and out of hospitals. Periods of me not taking my meds. Yes, my name is Katie and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What it is:  Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships  characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization a...

My therapist has been encouraging this for awhile. The scale never has anything good to say and just upsets me. This is my first step. I can do this! I am going to be more open about this and not hide in myself. If you want to be updated on this process, let me know. I don't want to drag anyone down. Katie

I never got a chance beyond a few words in a text message to say goodbye. I wish you could have seen how much you meant to me. You helped me grow, you helped me feel beautiful. And you could always make me laugh. You were also a great person to talk to. I don't open up easily but I did with you. I let you into my heart and saw you as my BFF. I know I told you many times how much I cared, and loved our girl time. Whether you believe me or not I probably will never know.  But, even though you are gone I still pray for you every night. I pray that you find peace and happiness. I pray that you someday know how much you still mean to me. The way you walked out, I should hate you. But I don't. Because to a small extent I understand. At first it seemed like being angry or mad was the best way to deal with it, the right way to feel. But honestly when it comes down to it. I'm hurt and sad. That's it. I hurt. And it's ok. You meant a lot to me. And I'm allowed this time t...

Olivia Benson is my hero! And I'm so blessed to have a Liv in my real life! Mary, you rock!!! :) “You know what I’ve seen is that people who have gone through unfair horrific experiences is that they have this will, and when they get support, a chance, they can not only survive, they can thrive.” It’s easier to not have friends, but it doesn’t make it any less lonely." "If you say something, then the abuse becomes real. If you keep quiet, then you can pretend that it’s not." "Over half a million women are raped in this country every year and only a fraction of them report it because they’re too ashamed. It’s a really screwed up world, but what happened to you, it’s not your fault and it doesn’t make you the monster." "I will never get over it [sexual assault], but I can live with it now and I have my life back now."

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

He's not worth ruining my future over. He's not worth making myself ill. He's not worth ruining my future with Jeff. I am worth building myself an amazing future based on who I am and not who I was. I am worth being healthy. In fact, I deserve it. I am worth being in a healthy and loving relationship! I am worth more than any abuse! Katie 

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD,  my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this?  My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it.  And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Thank you Britt for suggesting this. I'm gonna get my butt back into gear. Who is Katie? Well, I'm really smart and insightful. I'm very kind and loving. I love life and I love to laugh. I'm pretty sure I invented the social butterfly. (: I've gone through many tough things that have only made me stronger. I want to change the world. At least the things that are dear to my heart. Like the stigmas of Mental illness and sexual abuse. Like the quote says... "Be the change you want to  see in the world" I will be an advocate, a voice for these issues until the day I die.... Which hopefully will be a long, long time. I probably want to do TOO many things with my life. Like working at the library, working with special needs people, do something in the mental health field and my work with music. That's really the kind of person I am. I love with all my heart and I probably get hurt more because of that. But the world needs love. Maybe I can't fix the prob...

So, as I briefly mentioned in a post yesterday, I had an unexpected Pap smear appointment come up. I started to get REALLY anxious as I waited for the appointment. I have a hard time being touched down there by my fiancé. Let alone some stranger I never met. She was very professional, definitely. But, it was very awkward. I mean it's awkward for non survivors. I didn't really have flashbacks, but it triggered intense anxiety. I'm okay today, still... I don't even know the word.  Since I obviously am going to have to have them done again for health reasons,  I need to find away to approach this.  I wonder if it will go better if the doctor knows I was abused, if it would make a difference. I hate these feeling. Will it ever go away?  Katie

So, I'm waiting in the waiting room for my unplanned pat smear. I hated them before I was abused. Please don't be traumatized! Deep breaths. It will be ok! In other news. Everyone: my bestie this. My bestie that. Me: I'm my own bestie.  It's funny how people go through besties like candy. I have a couple internet besties. But that's all.  Sometimes I feel forever alone. People find people to replace you and it's like did I ever matter? So, I'm my own bestie! That's it...ttfn. Katie

Well, my self care for today.... Watching Reba, drinking smoothies and I straightened my hair.  Now hoping the rain stays away so I can go do my errands before work. Rain, walking and straightened hair don't mix well! :) What have YOU done for self care? Katie

I was reading some of my old journals. I can only read so much at a time without getting depressed or triggered. The intense emotions of BPD and daily wanting to kill myself.... I'm so glad I'm not in that place now... But, at the same time I wish I could do something to help those that have that intense desire to off themselves. To tell them, yes, it does get better. It took me like 10 years but it did happen.  Don't listen to the voices in your head. People care. You are worth it. Killing yourself is not the answer. If you don't stick around you will never see just how amazing life is. And just what amazing things you are capable of! Just keep swimming, ok? Katie

Coming soon..... My story with mental illness.  I just have to take time to sit down and type it out. Katie 

I am very thankful for wonderful family and friends. They are incredible. This week my best friend literally walked away with just a little text as a goodbye. It broke my heart into two. But, I know God has a plan and even if it sucks right now, I trust God. Thank you to my friends who are there supporting me through every step of this journey. And to my family. I couldn't do anything without all your love. Here are a couple pictures from my day yesterday.    Just gonna keep on swimming! Love you all! Thanks for being a part of this journey! Katie