Today in group I was triggered by the word vulnerable. Why? It reminds me of what Tracy and I talk about in therapy. Which made me think of him. Which led to me tensing up and wanting to run and hide. If I were to name the emotion from all that it would probably be shame and anger. And whatever you would call the shame from going through assault. The sexual shame. All of it. So then I feel mentally spent and flashbacks or memories happen. Guilty about letting him do it. Which leads me back to why didn't I stop it.
As Tracy asked me one day. "If you had said no, would he have listened." And I believe the answer to be no, no, he wouldn't have. His wife was pregnant and he was using me to get what he wanted.
Also, I had a dream about my ex-good friend. His ex-sister-in-law. I'm angry at that family for judging me when they don't know what's going on. And I miss C's friendship. I can't guarantee that's why she stopped talking to me. But, when I see the family and they all give me evil looks... Well it's pretty obvious.
It makes me angry that the current pastor of my parents church knows he was unfaithful and he supposedly knows who it is... Blah blah. Does anyone care to know the truth. I doubt it. I'm tired of living in shame. Of worrying that God is angry with me. That I'm some kind of whore. That being mentally ill isn't an excuse for going along with it. I'm angry that I let it happen. And I'm angry that I can't get over this. I'm angry. But the anger is covering all the shame and guilt I feel. Especially since he doesn't think twice of what he did.
So, I'm beat. I put in some Disney movies and drinking my joyful tea and holding my fearlessness necklace I never take off. Yes, I will be okay. I will win. I know the truth, my true friends know the truth and it will all be ok!
Special thanks to Britt and my "mom" MA! Love you guys!!
Katie
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