It doesn't matter what you call it.

Katie here. I was going to do a re-post of my story. But, instead I think I will do a different take on it.

I go through periods of times where I don't know if what happened to me was rape, assault, or my fault because the way the law is and because victims want to place blame on themselves.

So to recap. I was 21 with a mind of about 17 or 18. Was at the worst of my mental illness. Not taking my meds, in and out of hospitals etc. I was so confused. I thought consensual fooling around was not, and apparently I thought non consensual was okay? He came into my life. He wanted to protect me and help me. That's what I needed. What I didn't need was to be confused by sex. I grew up in a conservative Christian family, and I was very naive about this stuff. He would come over to "protect" me and it turned into sexual stuff. He basically said it would make me feel better. He could show me how it's really done, etc. I didn't know the first thing about sex, about consent, all I know was the rape was something a guy forced on you, like an attack and that wasn't happening so I thought it was ok. I never said yes, I never said no. I just kinda lay there. 

What bugs me is I don't think it counts because it wasn't forceful and I never said no. But, I also never told him that I wanted to.

I don't know if I will ever be fully be able to say I was attacked. That I was raped, That he stole my virginity and the last of my innocence. I believe I was raped. But, I'm afraid of what others would say.

All I know is what he did was wrong. I wish I could call him out on the dirtbag he really is.

But, whatever I call it. I survived the abuse, I will survive the recovery.

All my love.

Katie