National Suicide Prevention Month

I just found out that today is the start of National Suicide Prevention Month. As a multi-time survivor of suicide I thought I would write a blog post.

My last attempt was about 5 years ago. It was soon after I was assaulted (even though I didn't knew it then.) I wasn't taking my meds, I was doing a lot of stupid stuff, in and out of hospitals. I was near my end. I truly wanted to die. 

And at this time I had someone I thought was a friend practically telling me to do it.

I remember even in the ER, after having a tube down my throat to save me, checking my email on my phone and seeing her still harass me. I'm going to find some of her words, as I still have them saved. I am going to share then because you should NEVER talk to anyone like that especially someone you know who is mentally ill and over the edge. Words I haven't forgotten to this day.

"you always have a thorn in your ass.   for a job, you have no idea what it is to work for a living and yes you are a natural born loser.  problem, you are a problem   any one who lives on well fare is a loser. try living without it "

"You can't hold a job cuz you are just plain lazy.   You get money from the county, more than I make in a month,and you sit on your ass and complain. Sorry but I have a life to get in order, and I intend to do it. You make me feel like a winner, cuz you really are a loser."

That's just a couple of them.

I completely lost my will to live after that. I had just slept with a married man (didn't know it was assault) and was living with such shame and self-hatred. And then to have someone who I thought was my friend telling me that the world hated me too. That was the last straw.

I downed probably a whole bottle of Tylenol. I was actually the one that called the ambulance on myself. I got scared and knew things were bad but dying that way wasn't the answer.

The ambulance came and took me away. While the neighbors were all looking out the window, happy that the crazy was going away.

I didn't know at the time that Jeff saw and it killed him to see me on that stretcher in so much pain.

I went by ambulance to the ER. They pumped my stomach and I had to drink charcoal too to get all the poison out of my system. I never want to go through that again.

And, after all that. Guess who showed up to the ER. Yep. Jeff. The guy's life I just almost ruined. He came to the ER and said nothing was worth dying over. And he sat with me until they took me to Norwood.

Where is that guy now? You got it. We are engaged. Someone that loves me THAT much, I can't live my life without him.

So, to sum this up. BE KIND. 

All my love-Katie