Randomness of Katie

So.... I feel like writing.

Sometimes I feel like I need constant validation that I'm a survivor and not at fault. I don't know if it's normal or if it's just another weird quirk of mine. But, I need to hear from my friends that I'm loved, that it wasn't my fault. It helps me to believe it too.

Also, in group this last week we learned about opposite emotions... Like, right now all I want to do is crash into bed with the covers over my head? Am I tired? Yeah, sort of, but I got a good night's sleep. I know myself and I know it's me wanting to avoid the world, to stop the pain for awhile.... So, instead of that, I am going to do something else. Maybe a movie since it's chilly outside.

I'm thinking a comedy or family movie.

I WANT to watch some SVU but worried it will trigger me and really send me wanting to hang in bed.

So, to play it safe, I am sticking with lighter material.

So... For me today the opposite of laying down/long nap/want to shut out the world emotion is watching a good movie.

On Sunday the opposite of my fear of heights, was making myself go on the roof.

Little steps at a time...

Sometimes I feel like a baby crawling, but as long as I'm moving in a positive direction, that's okay.

So, I'm gonna just keep on swimming, keep on singing and praising God, and keep on praying to Him.

Because with Him and my friends, we got this!

Katie Marie

Comments

The number will never be enough.

I have realized on this hell-ish journey of what they call anorexia, that the number will never be enough. I've been starving myself off and on since about February. First it was to lose about 10 lbs that I gained while my thyroid was under active. I started eating better but just ate less. I finally got back to my normal weight. And I decided I was gonna go lower. Mostly because I hate my breasts. So, I started cutting back on calories. Counting them on an app and a tracker that counted how many calories I had burned. I'm really not much of an exerciser, so I mostly just restricted what I ate, between eating normal on weekends or when with friends. Didn't want them to catch on and wanted to still enjoy myself and not put my life is jeopardy. Well, I'm at about 10 lbs away from what I called my goal weight. And the last few days I really restricted so I can finally reach the goal. I've agonized over getting help and eating right and just a constant battle with my th...

Tara's story.

" Here is my story of how I grew up in a home that was surrounded by domestic violence. Growing up was crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and he would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would get a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didn’t know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One Thanksgiving Day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother wok...

Psych appointment

So, I went to my medication doctor. Because of my PTSD and anxiety, we increased a med. And I know I can't blame this on my rpaist. Because it's MY decision, but if he hadn't hurt me I wouldn't be finding stupid ways to numb the pain. Not only am I depressed and have PTSD, my anorexia has returned to help me turn off this... I don't even know. And have some control over my life... But who's controlling who? Even though I know I need to eat and get better, my mind is fighting it. Saying how am I going to deal with the crap when I can't numb it. I'm just tired. Does anyone want to take my hand and help me through this? My best friend just walked out on me and I just need a friend. Someone to talk to, to laugh and just numb some of this crap. And she said the difference between wanting to lose a little weight and it being unhealthy (anorexia) is WHY I'm doing it. And she wants me to go to my therapists' next group meetings o...

Becoming Katie Butterfly

Search This Blog